


The Softest Touch

by HPFandom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Explicit Language, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Out of Character, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Romance, Self-Harm, Sexual Content, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-10-09
Updated: 2006-10-16
Packaged: 2018-10-01 04:55:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 10
Words: 22,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10181156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HPFandom_archivist/pseuds/HPFandom_archivist
Summary: Harry's life is in tatters, can he trust comfort from such a foreign source?





	1. Olive Branch

**Author's Note:**

> Note from SeparatriX, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [HP Fandom](http://fanlore.org/wiki/HP_Fandom_\(archive\)), which was closed for health and financial reasons. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [HP Fandom collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hpfandom/profile).

**Disclaimer – I don't own any of these characters, I'm just borrowing them. This will be a relatively short instalment fic, maybe seven or eight chapters. However, it's darker than other stuff I've written (see chapter warnings) so if you're looking for light and fluffy this isn't the place. Other than that, let me know what you think, xxx**

 

 

_I slipped out of the bathroom and saw the closed curtains of my school-mate's beds._

_"Night guys."_

_There are muffled replies, and I slipped into bed, drawing the curtains and murmuring silencing and privacy charms. I reach into my pillowcase and pulled out the small silver case. The case has been hidden in my pillow for three years, since my name had come out of the Goblet of Fire. I've gone through hell and back since then, and the case had stayed constant, helping me through the Triwizard Tournament, the public ridicule, Sirius' and Dumbledore's deaths, and the final battle. Now, as January progressed, I turned to the case more than ever. Somehow, the closure they had promised me when I defeated Voldemort was yet to come, and I find myself needing something to help me when there is no-one else to turn to._

_Wordlessly, I remove the glamour on me arms, and look down at the scars and marks, varying shades of red depending on their freshness. I pull my pyjama top right off, and opened the case. Selecting a serrated razor I push it against a patch of clear flesh, hissing as it breaks the skin. In one swift movement, I drag the razor across my skin, tears spilling down my face as the blood runs down my arm. I repeated this, creating four more identical slashes on my arm, before putting the razor back in the case. I hide the case back in the pillow and watch the blood run, feeling the pain inside me ebb away with each heart-beat. This peace, the feeling of calm as my blood drips onto the bed, is what I've been searching for all my life. At times I'd tasted the peace I wanted, but it had been snatched away from me time and time again._

_As I wallow in the calmness, I hear a set of curtains opening, and swear softly. Murmuring cleaning charms, a light healing charm to stop the bleeding, and putting my glamour back up, I end the charms on my bed and snap my head up as Ron slips through the curtains of my bed._

_"Still awake?"_

_I nod, and Ron smiles softly._

_"Me too. I need something to help me sleep."_

_I shudder, and catch sight of Ron's tented pyjamas._

_"Please, Ron…"_

_"Am I not a good friend to you?"_

_"You are, but…"_

_"And my family, we take care of you. I stood by you while you battled Voldemort, do I not deserve a little thanks?"_

_I nod softly, and Ron grabs my arm, removing the glamour, and staring at the new cuts._

_"You're broken, Harry, look at yourself. Who would love someone that does this to themselves?"_

_I feel tears well up, and spill over my long lashes._

_"No one."_

_Ron murmured, and stroked my tears away._

_"No one but me. Even though you’re broken and ruined, I still love you, and you need to repay that."_

_I nod, and wordlessly shift position as Ron removes his pyjama bottoms, settling back against my pillows. I lean down, and Ron's hand grabs my hair, forcing me onto the throbbing erection. I feel the thick organ push against the back of my throat, and struggle for breath. Ron's hips thrust into my mouth, and I can taste Ron's bitter pre-cum. I never need to do much when Ron comes to my bed, just open my mouth and not bite down. Ron fucked my mouth roughly, not caring for my own well-being, and it was always the same position, ensuring that most of the redhead's cum would dribble down my chin. Not that I'd want to swallow it even if I could, Ron tasted unpleasant, and I was grateful that he got off on his cum dribbling down my chin, because I didn’t think I'd be able to stomach the alternative. As always, I allow my mind to clear, and try not to think about what he's doing. I feel as Ron's body tenses, and then the hot, bitter cum shoots into my mouth, running down my chin as Ron's hips thrust erratically and he gasps for breath._

_"What do you say, Harry?"_

_"Thank you."_

_"Good boy. This is what you're good at, all you're good at, and you need to be grateful that I allow you to do it."_

_I nod, and try to still my hands, even as they move to wipe my face clean. Ron silently pulls his pyjamas back on, and runs a hand through my hair._

_"I'm the only one that will ever want you."_

_"I know. Thank you Ron."_

_Ron nods, and slips back to his own bed. I wait until I can hear Ron's snores before cleaning myself and the bed up. I'm desperate to retrieve my razors, but know that if I break my five-a-night rule I won't be able to stop. With a sigh, I curl up in the bed and cry silently, tears pooling on my pillow as my body falls into a restless sleep, even as my mind runs on overdrive…_

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

Severus Snape rubbed the bridge of his nose and sighed deeply. Potter's last essay was possibly his worst yet, and Snape was finding it difficult to get angry. The boy seemed different, and Snape couldn’t work out what it was. He'd come back after Christmas, claiming that he just wanted to get on with life and finish his NEWTs, but something had changed, Severus could sense it about the boy. He knew the final battle had hit the Gryffindor hard, it had hit them all hard, but this was something else. Loathe as he was to admit it, Severus was worried about the boy, and knew that something had to be done. Since Dumbledore had…well…Harry had retreated in on himself. He didn’t even seem to hate Snape anymore, it was just apathy. Snape sighed, and headed into his comfortable office. He'd hold Harry back after the next lesson and question him. He doubted Harry would open up to him, but he may be spurred into opening up to someone else.

Severus poured a large brandy, and stared into the fire. His mind was full of images of Harry, and he groaned internally. For some reason, the boy was playing on his mind. Severus wasn't stupid, he knew that the slight warmth in his chest was lust, but he could get over that. After all, he'd got over his obsessions before, he'd get over this. It was just the fact that the boy looked so damn cute, even without the light in his eyes. Allowing himself a brief moment of indulgence, Severus imagined the things he could do to bring that light back to Potter's eyes. But of course, as was the way with Severus' life, these were only thoughts. Severus would hang himself before he allowed himself to get attached to a student, especially Harry damn Potter.

Finishing his brandy, Severus headed into the bedroom that came off his private office, and sank into the bed, not bothering to change as he fell into a dreamless sleep.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

"Mr Potter, is it too much to expect you to concentrate on my lessons?"

Harry looked up at Snape, and then looked away.

"Sorry, Professor."

"You will see me at the end."

Harry nodded, and sank back into his thoughts. Snape was someone else that hated him, but Harry didn’t care anymore. He couldn’t find it inside himself to hate Snape, all his energy was taken up on hating himself. He could still taste Ron in his mouth, even though he'd cleaned his teeth twice, and forced himself to be sick as well. Some deep, buried part of Harry told him that it was wrong, but he couldn’t bring himself to stop it. Ron was right; no one could love a person like Harry. His childhood fantasies, of falling in love, were just that, fantasies, and the more he held onto them, the more let-down he'd be. He barely noticed the other students leaving, and packed his bag slowly, heading to Snape's desk and hanging his head. There was nothing Snape could say to make him feel worse, so he'd just take it and hurry back to bed, where he could be alone.

Snape watched the way Harry slouched up to the front, and it tore gently at his heart. As much as he dismissed it, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was watching the final steps of a broken man. He looked Harry up and down, and then charmed the door closed, conjuring a chair for the brunette.

"Sit."

Harry sat down, but still didn’t look up.

"Potter, you're work so far this term has been dismal."

"I'll try harder."

"It isn’t a matter of trying. I am not the only teacher who has noticed your increased apathy, though I am the only one who believes the heart of it lies somewhere other than your experiences in the final battle."

Harry looked up, and Snape read fear in his eyes.

"Potter, I have better things to do with my life than investigates your teenage hang-ups. However, your exam score reflects on me as a teacher. So, if you can bring yourself to make an effort, I would be prepared to give you extra Potions lessons, to help you catch up with the rest of the class."

Harry seemed startled by this, and shook his head softly.

"I'll work harder; I'll catch up and do better."

Snape sighed, and spoke words so out of character they startled even him.

"Take the olive branch, Harry. You need the help."

The Gryffindor looked at him, his mind calculating the worst case scenario. Eventually, he lowered his eyes again.

"If you think it's best Professor."

"I do. Be in here at seven tonight, and we'll sort out a more permanent timetable then. Now get out of my classroom."

The boy stood, and walked quietly out of his classroom. Snape sighed softly, and pinched the bridge of his nose. Potter was hiding something, and Snape really didn’t want to know what. He also really didn’t want to care so much either. Sadly, it looked as though both of these wishes would be denied, and he grabbed a textbook, beginning to assemble some worksheets for the lesson that evening.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

_Ron corners me in the bathroom, and smiles wickedly._

_"Where are you off to?"_

_I shrug, and carry on brushing my teeth._

_"Remedial Potions. Snape says if I fail it makes him look bad, so I have to do extra lessons to ensure I pass. Dunno how long it'll be though."_

_Ron scowls, and steps closer to me._

_"And how many nights a week will this be?"_

_"I don't know."_

_I catch the menacing flicker in Ron's eyes and hastily back peddle – I don’t want Ron to step things up a gear._

_"I'll make sure it isn’t every night, I can't ignore my friends after everything they've done for me."_

_Ron seems placated by this, and nods softly._

_"You do need to pass. I'll see what Hermione's doing this evening I think. Have fun."_

_I force a smile_

_"Doubtful! See you tomorrow probably."_

_"Night Harry."_

_"Night Ron."_


	2. If you can learn to trust me, I can help you

**Disclaimer – I don't own any of these characters, I'm just borrowing them. This will be a relatively short instalment fic, maybe seven or eight chapters. However, it's darker than other stuff I've written (see chapter warnings) so if you're looking for light and fluffy this isn't the place. Other than that, let me know what you think, xxx**

 

 

Harry knocked tentatively on the door to the Potions classroom, and heard Snape's cool drawl answer.

"Enter."

Harry clicked the door closed behind him, and walked up to the front desk. Snape gestured at him to sit down, and he did.

"There are some worksheets on the desk. Fill them in honestly, so that I can accurately assess what you know and what you don't."

Harry nodded, and began to fill the worksheets in. It took him a little over two hours, and he hoped that he would be finished for the evening when he handed them to Snape. But the Potions Master gestured for him to return to his seat, and proceeded to mark the papers immediately. Harry stared at his knuckles, unsure whether he would rather be here being exposed as an idiot, or up in his dorm being used as a whore.

"Mr Potter, are these answers a joke?"

"No, Professor. Are they wrong?"

Snape pinched the bridge of his nose, and sighed deeply.

"Wrong does not describe them. I doubt you have got even fifteen per cent of the answers right. What the hell have you been doing with your time?"

"I've been trying!"

"Mr Potter, need I remind you I am a skilled Legilimens and can find out the truthful answer to that question in a heartbeat?"

Harry tensed. He really didn’t need Snape breaking into his head, because the older man would start asking questions, and when he discovered what Harry did, he'd gloat. Snape would use it against Harry, because the older man would discover that he had been right all along, Harry was vile and worthless.

"What have you been doing with your time, Mr Potter?"

"I just…I lose track of myself. I try and work, honestly Professor, but then things just…it's so hard to concentrate. Please, I'll do better; I'll be better and work harder."

Snape sighed, and stood up; moving to sit in front of the desk Harry was sheltered behind.

"I suspect I will regret asking this, Mr Potter, but is something the matter?"

Snape saw the slight tensing of Harry's jaw muscles, and felt the rush of pain and fear that escaped before Harry could get a hold on his emotions.

"No, everything's fine."

"Mr Potter, you are an excellent Occlumens, a skilled Legilimens, but you will never be as good as me. And you will never be able to get your emotions under control. Is there something going on I should be aware of?"

Harry met Snape's eyes for the first time that evening.

"No. And if I wanted to talk to someone, do you really think I'd talk to you? You fucking hate me!"

Snape recoiled slightly, and inhaled deeply before responding.

"I do not hate you, Mr Potter. I have seen you do incredible things. I know better than to hate you."

Harry's eyes flared with anger, and he jumped up form his seat.

"What things? Everyone keeps saying I did incredible things, but they don’t understand! They don’t know the price I have to pay for that, and they just keep saying the same empty, vacuous words, using them to placate me while they screw me over! And you’re just as bad! You hate me, and you try and tell me otherwise because you think it's what I want to hear, but it isn't! I just want someone to be fucking honest with me! I did everything that they told me to, and people are still lying to me and using me and I can't…I can’t…I can still feel Him, all around me, choking the life out of me and no-one understands, they just think that He's dead and gone and that's all there is to it but I can still feel Him and I…I…"

Harry's voice trailed off as he gasped for breath, and tears spilled over his long lashes. He swore, and swiped at the tears angrily, grabbing his things and heading to the door. Snape stood up and placed a hand on his arm.

"Mr Potter, you need to talk to someone about these feelings and…"

"Who? Who do I talk to? Who will understand what I saw? The things I did, who will understand those things Snape? My friends? You?"

Snape cursed himself internally, but he couldn’t just let the boy leave in this state.

"Mr Potter, if you need someone to talk to, then you can talk to me. I may not be the obvious choice, but I can understand what you did and saw."

"So you can lie to me just like them?"

"Mr Potter, what could I possibly gain from lying to you?"

"Power, self-righteousness, some kind of sick, perverse satisfaction? I don't know, but there must be something, or why would you help me?"

"Maybe, Mr Potter, because I want at least one of us to get past this and go on to lead a normal life. Maybe, I can be honest with you where others cannot."

"I don’t deserve a normal life."

"Says who?"

Harry just shook his head, and Snape sighed.

"Harry, let me help you."

Harry shook his head harder, and tears spilled down his cheeks. Without really thinking about the consequences, Snape reached out his hand and swiped away the tears gently. Harry looked at him in shock, and Snape forced his voice to come out softer than it was used to.

"If you can learn to trust me, I can help you."

Harry stared into the cold black eyes, and saw some kind of warmth there. He leant forwards slightly, and then realised what he was doing with a jolt. This was exactly the reason he deserved to be alone, and he wrenched out of a startled Snape's grip.

"STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME, YOU’RE JUST LIKE THEM!"

Snape watched as Harry slammed out of the room, and he swore softly. He knew that Harry had problems, but this was…he didn’t know what it was, but it was bad. He realised that if he forced the boy, it would push him further into himself. Snape needed a plan, and he suspected it would have to be one of his best yet to help either of them.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

Severus watched as January rolled into February, and Harry sunk further into himself. While he still laughed and joked with his friends, it was superficial, and Severus could feel the torrent of despair without trying. His great, grand, trained-death-eater plan had been to give Harry time, and allow him to come to Severus. Because Severus was worried, and he did not like being worried about Harry. Who had stopped being Potter roughly the same time Severus had realised he wasn't being an arrogant, cocky, lazy little prick, he was actually in trouble. The worst part was that Severus had almost seen what the problem was one lesson, but then Harry had realised he was letting his thoughts run unchecked, and put up shields that Severus couldn’t pierce without alerting Harry. So the Potions Master bided his time, patiently waiting almost six weeks for a knock on his door one chilly Friday evening.

"Enter."

Harry cut a pitiful figure. He was gaunt, and pale, but the worst was his eyes. They were deadened, hurt beyond repair, and it strengthened Severus' resolve to get past his own issues with James and help the boy.

"Yes?"

"I need help."

"That much, Mr Potter, is obvious. Please be more specific."

Harry had been preparing himself for almost a week, had planned exactly what he was going to say, and it all went to hell with ten simple words. He knew, from the tone, that Snape wasn't launching an attack on Harry; he knew there was more than one problem, and he was implying he would help with whichever Harry laid before him. It was too much for the young Gryffindor, who'd been setting all his hopes on Snape being a bastard. Unable to evoke the passion to bite back, he crumpled to the floor and buried his face in his hands.

Severus thought the Gryffindor had passed out, until the first heart-wrenching sob shook Harry's broken body to the core. The second was louder, and more violent, and Severus swore loudly, throwing a barrage of charms at the door, effectively placing the Potions classroom in its own little world, which was impenetrable to anyone outside. Unsure of how to handle this, he stepped to Harry.

"Pull yourself together Potter."

The sobs didn’t cease, and Severus placed a hand on Harry's shoulders.

"This is neither the time nor the place."

When this didn't work either – not that Severus had really expected it to – he did the only thing left. Dropping to his knees next to Harry he pulled the Gryffindor flush against his chest and wrapped him up in his own wiry arms.

"Hush, child, no problem is worth these tears, especially not from you."

Harry felt the strong embrace, and when the kind words filtered through his mind he pressed tighter into the warmth and stilled his sobs, until tears fell silently. He could feel Severus' long fingers stroking the small of his back gently, and as he calmed down under this caring touch, his rational mind took over. Harry realised that he was wrapped up in his Potions Master's arms, crying like a girl, and he tried to wrench away, but the hold tightened, caring even as he fought against it.

"No. I'm not letting you run away again. Now, either you are prepared to talk about this, or we stay here until you are."

"I don’t want to talk."

"Then you'll listen to me."

Harry nodded, feeling a blush creep up his cheeks.

"Your word, Harry."

"I promise."

Severus made a small noise, and let Harry go. The Gryffindor didn’t know where to look, so settled for staring at his knuckles. Severus stood up and brushed off his robes.

"Up, and in my office when you're ready. Don’t bother the door, you won't get through it."

Harry watched him sweep into the office at the back of his classroom, and sighed deeply. There was no way he could get out of this, so he stood up, hoping it would at least be quick. As he stood in the doorway, Snape gestured to a chair, and Harry sat in it, sinking into the surprisingly comfortable chair and gazing into the fire. He didn’t know what he'd expected of Snape's private quarters, but this wasn't it. He didn’t have to wait long before Snape spoke in the same soft voice that Harry had only ever heard when they were alone.

"Am I right in assuming that your problems run deeper than being behind in your schoolwork?"

Harry nodded, and Snape sighed softly.

"You told me, six weeks ago, that you wanted people to be honest with you. I can only be honest with you insofar as you are honest with me. You need help, and I will help you. You will be in my office at eight Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday evenings, and I will help you with your Potions, ensuring you pass with the grade you deserve in the summer. I will assist you as far as I can in any of your other subjects. Any other help, you must ask for. I will not force you to share something you are obviously not ready to share yet, but when you feel able, I will not break any confidences you bestow on me. Does this sound reasonable?"

Harry nodded, and chanced a look up. Snape didn't seem as scary as Harry always thought of him, and the Gryffindor chanced a question.

"Why are you helping me?"

"Because I want to. I am well aware that at least some of what has happened to you over the past seventeen and a half years has been because of me. Perhaps, at a later date, you will want my side of the story, and I will give it to you willingly. While you are here, I will ward the Potions rooms. Whatever happens within these walls stays between the two of us, unless you choose to share it with someone else."

Harry nodded, and met onyx eyes.

"I have to ask this."

"I know you do."

"Am I just replacing my father in your eyes, in some way? Is that why you hate me?"

Snape seemed prepared for this question, and pinched the bridge of his nose slightly before answering.

"I do not hate you. And you are not replacing your father in my eyes. I hated James, for my own reasons, and fully expected to hate you. But you are not your father, and I could not hate you. So I settled for making your life difficult, in the hope that your hatred of me would spurn similar feelings in myself. When they didn’t, I resigned myself to trying to help your fight in anyway I could. You may look like your father, but you are not James."

Harry nodded, and Snape cleared his throat.

"Go, your lessons begin tomorrow."

Harry stood up, glad to be able to escape the confused feelings that were bombarding him, and was out the door before he remembered his manners. Turning back, he met Snape's eyes, even though it was one of the most difficult things he'd ever done.

"Thank you, for helping me. And I'm sorry…for earlier."

"Be sorry for letting things build like that, not for feeling them to begin with. And my help is conditional; I will only help when you ask for it. Now go, I will not be your pass to break curfew."


	3. The First Tenuous Tendrils Of Trust

**Disclaimer – I don't own any of these characters, I'm just borrowing them. This will be a relatively short instalment fic, maybe seven or eight chapters. However, it's darker than other stuff I've written (see chapter warnings) so if you're looking for light and fluffy this isn't the place. Other than that, let me know what you think, xxx**

**A/N - Just want to say a massive thank you to everyone that's been reviewing this story - I've taken into account everything that was said, so keep em coming! Enjoy the chapter, xxx**

 

 

_"Where've you been?"_

_I tense, and school my features into a smile before turning to face Ron._

_"Snape wanted to see me. My lessons will be Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday evenings at eight."_

_Ron nods, and runs a hand through his hair._

_"How come they're so often?"_

_"I'm really behind. And Snape wants to torture me. I don’t know, but it's easier to do it than fight, there's not long left and then I can wave him goodbye."_

_"Just as long as you don’t neglect your friends."_

_"I won't."_

_Ron steps very close to me and grabs my wrist tightly enough to leave a red mark._

_"Don't. Because for all Snape's extra lessons, he won’t be there to help you after we leave. There'll only be me."_

_I try and stifle my nausea, hoping it doesn’t show on my face._

_"I know. Thanks, Ron."_

_Ron nods at me, and wanders out of the bathroom. I swear quietly, and splash cold water on my face. I can hear Hermione's voice through the door, so at least I know I'll have a reprieve from my obligations tonight. And the first of Snape's lessons tomorrow. Which just leaves Sunday. I chuckle dryly; it must be the worst way to start a week! Even though I hate myself for thinking this, I can't help wondering if it wouldn’t have been better if Voldemort had just succeeded in killing me. Then my parents would be alive, Sirius and Dumbledore would be alive, Cedric too, and I wouldn't be living this hell…_

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

Snape looked up as Harry walked into the classroom, and gestured to the desk at the front. When Harry was seated, Snape spoke the warding charms. He could cast them silently, but for some reason thought it better Harry hear the charms. 

"Ready to begin?"

Harry nodded, and Snape launched into his explanation. He lectured Harry for almost half-an hour, and then brought the topic to a close.

"Did that make sense?"

"Yes, Professor."

Snape nodded, and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Good. Complete the exercise in front of you, and then you may leave."

"That's it?"

"I assumed you'd be pleased these lessons were short?"

Harry looked like he was going to say something, but bit it back.

"Yes."

Severus sighed, and stood up, crossing to sit down next to Harry. He was careful to stare straight ahead and not place any additional pressure on the young boy.

"If you would like, Mr Potter, you may complete the additional reading I have set you in my office."

Harry's voice was barely above a whisper when he spoke.

"I don’t want to disturb you."

"You won't."

"Thank you."

Severus nodded, and stood up. The Gryffindor set to his work, and Severus allowed his thoughts to wander as he returned to his desk. Whatever the problem was, it lay within Gryffindor itself. As a possible explanation popped into his head, he mentally chided himself. There was no way in heaven or hell that the explanation for this was…was…well, Severus knew he had a depraved mind, and this was the proof. He picked up a quill, and turned to the essay he was marking, but found he couldn’t concentrate. He glanced up, and saw Harry engrossed in the work. The candles bathed him in a faint glow, and even in his current state, he was beautiful. As much as Severus tried to tear his mind away, he couldn't, so he put up his defences, and allowed his mind to play. The boy was heaven, and Severus knew the familiar feelings of obsession that were fluttering through his stomach. He'd first seen it in a lesson almost a year ago, but dismissed it as his over-worked mind heading towards breakdown. Then, sporadically, he'd caught himself watching the boy during the preparation for the final battle over the summer. And now…now he was having fully-blown, adult fantasies about the teen, and it was glorious. And, as nothing would come of it, Severus saw no problem in allowing his mind its fun. After all, while he would gladly shag the boy senseless and move on, he doubted that Harry would oblige. Even when he'd professed to hate the Gryffindor, Severus had harboured desires to put the Gryffindor on detention and teach him an invaluable lesson or two. And now that he found he could tolerate – and actually enjoy – the brunette's presence, those desires were increasing. As Harry wrote, he bit his lip gently, and Severus imagined his own gleaming white teeth nipping the full, pink lips as Harry moaned and arched into him, their bodies gleaming with sweat and…

"Professor?"

Severus was shaken from his musings, and looked up at Harry.

"I've finished."

"I'll mark it, then I'm retiring to my office to read. You may stay, or you may leave."

Harry nodded, and Severus took the parchment handed to him. It wasn't half-bad, and he marked it fairly, but firmly, adding notation where it was needed. He passed the work back to Harry and then swept into his office. The Gryffindor must have stalled, because it was a few minutes before a slightly flushed Harry entered his office and sat down on the couch. Severus chose not to acknowledge his presence, fantasising about shagging him was one thing, but being overly nice was something else. As the hours ticked by the air of discomfort evaporated, and it was almost midnight when Severus looked up. Harry was curled up on the sofa, his brow furrowed as he read, and his position meant a slip of tan flesh was visible to Severus. He briefly filled in the blanks that were covered with material, and smirked to himself, before schooling his features and speaking.

"Time to go. You will be back on Monday, I presume?"

"Yes, if that's OK?"

"I offered, didn’t I?"

Harry nodded, and closed the book, stretching as he stood up and grabbed his bag.

"Thank you."

Snape nodded, and lifted the wards, watching Harry amble out. It was probably his mind playing tricks on him, but Severus could swear the boy looked a little happier…

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

Harry hummed softly as he shaved on Friday morning. He was actually looking forward to his evening lesson with Snape, as strange as that was to admit to himself. When Dumbledore had died, Harry had wanted Snape dead, but then, when the situation was explained to him, he'd calmed down. Snape had come within a breath of death during the final battle, and Harry couldn’t help the flicker of respect he felt towards the older wizard. It was only now he understood the toll of living a double life, and his double life was nowhere near as risky as Snape's had been. Even though he was still as demeaning as ever in lessons, when they were alone the Potions Master was almost civil. He'd been having extra lessons for almost a month, and the lessons he'd had so far had all followed the same format; a half-hour lecture, some exercises and feedback, and then additional reading in Snape's office. Harry couldn’t explain why he felt this, but when he was in that office, sat with Snape of all people, he felt safe. He told himself it was just the wards, but a niggling voice kept hinting it was something else. What, though, the voice was reluctant to tell.

Harry splashed water on his face, and ran a hand through his hair gently. He had a full day, and then quidditch practice, so there'd be no time for Ron. And hopefully he'd be so tired from practice he wouldn’t wait up. Harry dried his face and checked his reflection in the mirror. He still looked rough, but not as bad as he had. And he felt better, but couldn’t work out why. After all, the only change in his life had been an increase in the time he spent with Snape, and that sure as hell couldn’t be the reason.

"Have you died in there?"

"Sorry Seamus, out in a minute."

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

Severus looked up at the knock on the door, and glared. He didn’t know why he was quite so…so… _offended_ …that Harry was late, but he was, and the boy was going to pay.

"Enter."

As the door opened, Snape fixed his features into an evil glare.

"You are twenty minutes late Mr Potter."

As he looked, all thoughts of revenge fled from his mind at the sight of the Gryffindor. He was wearing dark blue jeans, just on the line between tight and obscene, and a white tailored shirt, which was pulled taught, hinting at the muscular chest it hid. His unruly black hair was damp, and clung to the strong jaw, enhancing the fine bone structure and framing his face beautifully. If he hadn't known damn well he wasn't the type, Severus would have worried he was drooling. Harry looked up, and tried a smile.

"I'm really sorry. I had quidditch practice, and it over-ran, and I didn’t want to come here covered in sweat and mud, so I took a shower. I'm really sorry I'm late."

Severus nodded; his mind currently placing mud and sweat on the boy and enjoying the results.

"Well, I suppose this way you won’t mess up my classroom. Tonight, Mr Potter, you will be making the potion we studied on Wednesday. You have two hours, and may not ask for help from me, although you may use your notes if you wish, but will be subject to a five-mark penalty."

Harry nodded, and crossed to the desk at the front.

"I'll take the penalty."

Severus nodded, and returned to the stack of essays as Harry began to work. As much as he tried to concentrate, he found himself unable to, and began idly sketching on a piece of spare parchment. Harry was so engrossed in his potion-making he didn't notice Severus' surreptitious looks as he sketched the Gryffindor carefully. Once he had this basic representation of the teen, Severus took another sheet of parchment and began playing with the drawing. Deciding he may as well swing for a man as a mouse, Severus sketched the teen directly into one of his fantasies. As he'd never seen Harry naked, he had to imagine a lot, but that was part of the fun. As Severus was putting the finishing touches to the seductive smile on Harry's face, the real live Harry swore loudly, and Severus glanced up in time to see Harry's potion go all over him. He shoved the parchments into a drawer, and stood up.

"What happened?"

"I went to put the unicorn hair in, and then remembered it went in after Dragon's blood, but as I snatched my hand back I banged the cauldron and…"

"Got a highly toxic potion all over yourself! Shirt off, now."

Harry swiftly undid the buttons, and pulled the shirt off his chest. It was only as he handed the shirt to Snape that he saw the Potions Master's wide-eyes staring at him. He hadn't put his glamour back up, he'd been in too much of a hurry after his shower, and it was too late to put up it up now. Harry swore, softly this time.

"I'm sorry."

Severus was roused from his horror by Harry's apology, and he looked up in confusion.

"Why?"

"For…that you had to see this."

Severus couldn’t tear his eyes away from the scars. Not the faint battle scars, for he knew all about them. But the red marks up and down Harry's arms, all at varying stages of the healing process. Putting the shirt down on the desk he reached out his hands and took Harry's wrists, holding out his arms and looking over them carefully. 

Harry felt his heart flip as Snape dropped his wrists and swept out of the room into his office. He turned to leave, figuring this was the end of his extra lessons, when Snape's voice rang out.

"In here. Now."

Harry sighed, and steeled himself for what was to come. He walked slowly into the private office, and spotted Snape sat on the sofa. The Potions Master gestured at the seat next to him, and Harry sat down silently, oddly aware of the heat radiating off the older man's body. Snape held out a small pot, and Harry took it.

"It will prevent scarring, and minimise the scars you already have. Use it, Potter, because glamours are unreliable and time-consuming."

Harry nodded, and tried to stop the verbal diarrhoea before it came out his mouth, but found he couldn't.

"I'm sorry, I know you must think I'm disgusting but I really need your help with Potions or…"

Harry's voice trailed away as Snape silently lifted his sleeve. Harry saw faint silvery marks, and inhaled sharply. 

"Mr Potter, believe me when I say there is a better way to deal with your problems than this."

Harry didn’t know what to say. With one stupid accident, his relationship with Snape had changed for ever, and he didn’t know whether this was a good thing or not.

"I will not retract my help, but I will reiterate my offer. I will assist you in anyway you ask, but I won’t force you to talk to me."

"I can't…"

Snape nodded, and rolled his sleeve back down. They sat in silence for a long time, and Harry fought with his curiosity until it won him over.

"Was it because of Voldemort?"

"What?"

Harry gestured at Snape's arms, and the older man let out a dry chuckle.

"You expect me to answer that, when you are not prepared to do the same?"

Harry hung his head, and heard Snape sigh.

"This goes no further, or you will experience a kind of pain you cannot imagine, understand?"

"Yes, Professor."

"Heavens, child, in the circumstances I think 'Professor' is a little formal. I have a name, and you may use it with discretion."

"OK. Severus."

The older man seemed to shiver a little, but Harry dismissed it, and listened as Snape…Severus…began to speak.

"They're from my teenage years. What you know of mine and your father's rivalry is just the beginning. He hated me; I hated him, and his friends. Except Remus. I had a slight…obsession…with him, and James found out. He hung it over my head, never exposing me, but never letting up his threats. Then one day, Remus found out. He cornered me, and told me in no uncertain terms that he felt nothing more than friendship would ever be possible between us. I refused this, and said a lot of things in anger that I did not mean. I truly believed that James had warned Remus off me, and I hated him for it. It broke my heart, and turning to my so-called friends was out of the question. Even in childhood, our allegiances were based on power and advantage, not any kind of liking for each other. To have admitted such a weakness, they would have killed me. So I hid it, James continued his teasing, and in everything he said I saw the undercurrent of triumph, that he had destroyed my one shot of happiness. I couldn’t take on your father, so I took on myself. It was only when our Potions Master found out that I got any kind of help. He allowed me somewhere safe and quiet to come to, and eventually the urge to cut myself wore off.

It was only years later that I discovered two things I believed were true were not. Firstly, James didn’t warn Remus off me. Remus had overheard James taunting me, and acted of his own accord."

Snape seemed to have run out of steam, and Harry couldn’t help himself, he had to hear the end of this.

"Secondly?"

"Secondly, it was James who pushed our Potions Master into chasing me up. When I stopped responding to his taunts, he worked out something was wrong, and while he did not help me, he ensured someone did. I'm not claiming that my reasons were worthy of what I did, but at the time it felt like the end of the world. Things…when you are in a situation, it can be very hard to see outside of it, and sometimes you need to trust someone else to help you out."

Harry nodded, and allowed the silence to draw out while he thought.

"I'm sorry, that you had to go through that. And I'm sorry I was such a prick when I was younger. It took a long time to be able to understand that you were fighting for us the only way you could. I wouldn’t have been able to walk into that battle so prepared without your help, and I don’t think I ever really thanked you for that."

"You don’t need to thank me."

"Yes, I do. And what you told me, I won’t tell anyone else. But please, I can't…"

"I know. That wasn't why I answered your question."

Harry nodded, and then laughed. Snape looked mildly offended, and Harry smiled.

"Sorry, but I just realised I had a deep and meaningful conversation completely topless."

Harry hadn’t expected Snape to crack a smile, but he did, and Harry felt a surge of joy at being able to make his notoriously humourless Potions Master smile.

"Can I ask you something else Prof~…Severus?"

"What?"

"When did you know you were gay?"

Severus seemed a little blindsided by this, and Harry could have sworn a flush crept up his cheeks.

"Fifth year, why?"

"Just wondered. I knew fourth year, I was just curious. I'd better get back; Filch hasn’t got me in trouble all week, so he's on the prowl. I'll see you tomorrow."

Harry walked out of the office and back to his rooms, leaving a stunned Severus in his wake. The Potions Master wasn't entirely certain what had just happened, but he was certain of three things; it had felt right, Harry was gay, and he had done the boy a serious injustice with his drawings…


	4. Suddenly Severus

**Disclaimer – I don't own any of these characters, I'm just borrowing them. This will be a relatively short instalment fic, maybe seven or eight chapters. However, it's darker than other stuff I've written (see chapter warnings) so if you're looking for light and fluffy this isn't the place. Other than that, let me know what you think, xxx**

 

 

Harry woke up with a start, and buried his head in the pillows to stifle his moans. He'd been dreaming about _him_ again, and sure enough, as he traced a finger down his chest he felt the little sparks again. Harry groaned into the pillows, and rutted softly against the bed, stars exploding in his vision at the pleasure this caused. He swore, and sat up. He was **not** going to toss off to visions of his Potions Master again; no matter how well they got on nowadays, it was depraved. Harry opened the curtains on his bed and glanced around. Everyone else was still asleep, and Harry grabbed some clean clothes, heading into the bathroom and flicking on the shower as he warded the room. He stepped under the jet and swore as the cold water hit his body. It was amazing, not that long ago he'd been worried because he _didn't_ wake up with a screaming erection, and now that he did, it was to dreams of _Severus Snape_ , and he was doing everything he could to stop it, but to no avail. As Hermione had given in to sex, Ron hadn't been making demands for weeks, and Harry had discovered that the thought of consensual sex actually appealed to him. The less time he spent with Ron, and the more he spent with Severus, the less he believed Ron's words of his worthlessness, and the more he fantasised about finding someone to love and cherish. Which was all well and good, but it couldn’t be healthy to place his Potions Master in that role, could it?

Harry stayed under the cold water until his body was completely calm, and then he allowed his mind to map out. He'd been offered help three months ago. He'd accepted the help six weeks ago. Five weeks ago he'd realised that he was happier than he had been. Three weeks ago he'd made the connection between an increased amount of time with Severus – who had become Severus quite without warning in Harry's thoughts – and increased happy feelings. Two weeks ago he'd spoken to Severus in a way he'd never spoken to anyone, pure and truthful, and Severus had revealed he was gay. And the past two weeks…well…Harry could have done without the past two weeks. He knew that he was over-reacting, but the dreams were starting to trouble his day-to-day life, and especially his extra lessons. For, instead of concentrating on his work, Harry was stealing glances at the Potions Master, imagining him in a variety of compromising positions that most certainly went against his contract as a Professor…

Harry snapped out of his thoughts, and stepped out of the shower. As he dried, he planned his day. It was Wednesday, so he had double Transfiguration, a free, Potions, lunch, Charms, a free, dinner, a spare hour, and then his lesson with Severus. He made a futile and half-hearted attempt to tame his hair, and then stepped out of the shower. Packing his books into his bag he decided to use the frees in the library, and give the spare hour to his friends. If he worked hard, he'd be able to spend fifteen minutes or so reading up on the potion he'd be learning about tonight, maybe impress Severus with his knowledge and get a nice reward or…

"Harry James Potter, stop this right now."

"Whotalkinto?"

Harry looked up, and grinned at Neville.

"Sorry, just telling myself off for daydreaming, did I wake you?"

Neville yawned, and shook his head. He ambled over to Harry's bed and sat down next to him.

"How are you Harry?"

"Good, you?"

Neville nodded, and his eyes searched Harry's. 

"You seem different. Happier."

Harry grinned, and stood up.

"I am. I've gotta run, I have a pile of work and I can get in an hour before breakfast. Catch you later Nev."

Neville nodded, and headed back to his bed to get an extra hours kip as Harry exited the dorm and headed off to start his day.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

Potions was going slowly, Harry had covered this potion in his extra lesson, and was daydreaming. He stole a glance at Snape, and saw he was focused on what he was writing. As Harry watched, he saw that Severus' hand wasn't writing, it was drawing, and Harry's interest was piqued. He pushed tentatively with his mind, and found that Severus' mind was open. Harry slipped in quietly, and tried to find out what Severus was drawing when he felt wards go up, trapping him in Severus' mind. He tried not to panic, and then he heard a familiar drawl in his head.

[Pray tell, Mr Potter, why you feel the need to trespass in my mind.]

Harry couldn’t prevent a smile slipping onto his face, to anyone else the Potions Master would sound angry, but Harry recognised the tone, and that it was an affectionate one he'd only ever heard directed at him in private.

[I wondered what you were drawing?]

[That is none of your business.]

[I didn't know you could draw?]

[There are many things you don't know about me.]

[Care to share a few?]

[Mr Potter, you sound like a particularly coy fifteen year old girl.]

[Yeah, but you love me anyway.]

[True. I am an afflicted man.]

Harry chuckled softly, and felt a similar wave of amusement from Severus. The wards were lifted, and Harry began to pull out.

[Are you not going to apologise for violating my mind with your presence?]

[Nope. You know you enjoyed it!]

Harry drew out of Severus' mind before he could be admonished, and continued with his potion. It was only later, as he worked on his Transfiguration in his free period, that Harry raked over the exchange. He especially lingered over the fact Severus hadn't said he didn’t love Harry, he hadn't got mad, and Harry had been flirting shamelessly. He tried to chastise himself, but found the whole thing quite erotic. Severus made him feel an equal, and Harry resolved to stay in the comfortable office until he was thrown out tonight…

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

Severus glanced up, and swore internally. He knew it was only his mind, but he could swear the boy was sitting provocatively deliberately. Severus was getting less and less done every lesson, and his banter with Harry bordered on sexual at times. Severus found himself less and less able to concentrate, and eventually he realised he had to get Harry out, or he would jump the poor boy, and that could only end in tears.

"Mr Potter, do you not have a home to go to?"

"I have a bed, but it's cold, and I'm nice and warm here."

"Well, I'm there is someone willing to warm the bed up with you. I overheard Romilda Vane waxing lyrical about you a few days back."

Harry pulled a face, and closed his book.

"Nah, not my type."

"That is not my concern. Now out, I will not save your skin from Filch."

Harry nodded, and collected his things. The firewhiskey Severus had allowed him had boosted his confidence, and lowered his inhibitions. He only meant to pat Severus on the shoulder as he walked past, but somehow, for reasons Harry could only berate as he lay in bed that night, he leant over and ghosted a kiss over a startled Severus' lips.

"Night."

Harry realised what he done as he saw the horror in Severus' eyes, and practically ran from the room, not stopping until he was safely warded into his bed. He'd just ruined the one thing in his life he enjoyed, and reached almost mechanically for the silver case in his pillow. He opened it up, and picked out the serrated razor, pressing it to his skin. As he watched his skin strain, trying not to break under the pressure, he caught himself. It was almost three weeks since he'd taken the razors to his arms, and he paused. If he could just put the razor back, then he'd have beaten it. Hand shaking, Harry moved the razor away from his arm, but couldn’t get it back in the case. Trying to get a grip, he felt silent tears run down his face, and swiped at them angrily with his free hand. He was not going to do this, he was stronger than this. He'd had firewhiskey for the first time; he'd just apologise and explain he was drunk. And stumbled onto Severus' lips. Well, maybe not that, but he had to try. Running and hiding hadn’t got him very far, and maybe, with Severus, he could try facing up to a problem.

Harry sat holding the razor well into the night, and it was almost three when he finally put it away, curling into a tight ball as he sobbed into the pillow, a mixture of pain, fear, triumph and relief leaching out with each salt-laced tear.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

Harry stood in front of the door to Potions. Severus had been particularly cutting in the potions lesson this morning, and Harry wasn't sure that coming to his lesson tonight was the right thing to do. But he'd done something he'd never done before on Wednesday evening; he'd taken the razor out and put it back without using it. And that…somehow, that was important, and it was possible because of Severus. As confused as he was, Harry had fathomed out the first step, and that was apologising to Severus. He knocked on the door softly, but there was no reply. He knocked harder, but again there was no reply. Harry tried the door handle, and found it opened when he turned it. He walked warily into the classroom, and closed the door without looking up. Just as Harry began steeling himself to face Severus, he was backed roughly against the closed door, and before he could react Severus had kissed him hard. The kiss lasted a few seconds, barely long enough for Harry's body to register it was being kissed, and then Severus backed up, but kept Harry pinned to the door.

"Blindside me like that again, Mr Potter, and I'll fail you."

Harry just looked at Snape, his mouth moving up and down in shock as his tangled brain tried to fathom out what the hell had just happened. Severus released his hands, and Harry did the thing which made most sense, he caught Severus' face in his hands and leant upwards slightly, closing his eyes and pushing his lips against Severus'. When the older man didn’t pull away, Harry allowed himself to relax slightly, and couldn’t stop the quiet moan as Severus kissed him back softly. Taking his courage in both hands, Harry pushed his tongue gently against Severus' lips, and was crestfallen when the older man pulled away.

"Impatient, aren’t you Mr Potter?"

"Don’t tease me! Either you want me or you don't, this isn’t fair!"

Severus tutted, and ran a finger down Harry's cheek.

"How could anyone not want you, Harry?"

The way Severus purred 'Harry' made the Gryffindor's knees go week, and he tried to lean up for another kiss, but Severus held him back.

"Not so fast. Are you aware how much trouble we'd be in if we started up a relationship?"

"I really don't care."

Severus shrugged, and leant back down.

"Well, as I don't care either, I really see no reason to delay the inevitable."

Harry couldn’t quite believe Severus thwarted him when he leant up yet again, and the older man smirked.

"I meant, Mr Potter, your lesson. You do still want to pass your NEWTs, don't you?"

Harry groaned, and Severus headed back to the front.

"Take your seat. I'll pick up from where we finished on Wednesday."

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

Harry fidgeted in his chair, even as Severus seemed oblivious to him. Harry didn’t understand what had happened, but he didn’t really know how to ask what was going on, so he just fidgeted, fighting an internal battle until Severus slammed his book shut.

"Is there a reason you're being so annoying this evening, Mr Potter?"

"I…you…we…"

Severus sighed, and stood up, stalking over to Harry, making the Gryffindor 'meep' in fright as the older man dropped down almost on top of him, pulling him into a possessive kiss.

"Was there something you didn't understand in the lesson?"

Harry shook his head, and Snape satisfied one of his earliest fantasies, taking the plump lower lip between his teeth and nipping it gently. The way Harry's eyes rolled back in his head as he groaned and pushed against Severus was almost enough to break the older man's control, but he held on. Harry blinked rapidly, and then flushed deep red.

"What?"

"Are we…are we…going out?"

Snape sniggered, and sat up, waiting until Harry had straightened up too.

"That all depends."

"On?"

"You. It is your choice what we do, when we do it, and so forth."

Harry nodded, and stared into the fire.

"We're going out then. So you can tell all your other student boyfriends their services are no longer required!"

Snape smirked, and Harry ran a hand through his hair, his breathing shaky.

"I…this is…"

"Why is it that Gryffindor's feel the need to over-analyse everything? We're – as you so succinctly put it - _going out_ , what else is there to discuss? And do not think, even for a minute, that this will earn you any special privileges. For example, it is past curfew, and I will not get you out of trouble just because you happen to have kissed me. Now pack your things, and I will see you for your lesson tomorrow."

Harry nodded, and stood up, but Severus grabbed his wrist.

"No goodnight kiss, Mr Potter?"

"Not if you call me Mr Potter, Professor."

Harry was startled by his own boldness, but Severus seemed to like it, and stood up gracefully.

"Goodnight, Harry."

This was all the Gryffindor needed, and he pushed flush against Severus, kissing him hard as his fingers laced through the long, straight hair. It didn't feel greasy, Harry realised it was just beautifully soft and silky, and twined his fingers tighter as he parted his lips under the insistence of Severus' tongue. The older man tasted spicy, and Harry met his tongue with gusto, massaging the strong, warm muscle as he felt Severus' fingers clutch his hips and pull them as close as was possible. Harry whined as Severus pulled back, and the Potions Master chuckled softly, placing a few gentle butterfly kisses on Harry's lips.

"I do hope you realise what you've let yourself in for, Mr Potter?"

"I have a fair idea, Professor Snape. I should be going now, goodnight."

"Goodnight."


	5. The Truth?

**Disclaimer – I don't own any of these characters, I'm just borrowing them. This will be a relatively short instalment fic, maybe seven or eight chapters. However, it's darker than other stuff I've written (see chapter warnings) so if you're looking for light and fluffy this isn't the place. Other than that, let me know what you think, xxx**

 

 

Harry pressed closer to Severus' body, and pulled the man's arm around his shoulders. He sighed contentedly as the long fingers traced patterns on his arm, and Severus placed a kiss on the top of his head before diverting his attention back to the work Harry had completed. He set his quill down, and passed the parchment back to Harry.

"Much better than it has been. You're progressing well, much better than I expected."

Harry nodded, and placed the parchment on the coffee table.

"Can I have a reward?"

"What kind of reward?"

Harry smiled, and Severus leant down for a kiss. The two men stayed entwined for long minutes and – for the first time – it was Harry who broke the kiss.

"It's Easter next week, and for two whole weeks I'm the only Gryffindor seventh year staying here. Imagine all the fun we can have!"

"Imagine all the work you can do. We have to be careful, Harry, there's just a little longer we have to hide."

Harry pouted, and pulled away from Severus slightly.

"And you promise?"

"Promise what?"

"That when I've done my exams we won’t have to hide anymore? Or will you just find another excuse to deny me?"

Severus' mouth dropped open at the venom in Harry's voice, and he grabbed the Gryffindor's hand, bringing it to his lips.

"Harry, why would I deny you?"

Harry tensed, and Severus sighed softly, holding on tight even as Harry tried to pull away.

"Just ignore me, I'm sorry."

"No, answer my question. Why would I deny you?"

Harry was unbearably tense now, and it was a long time before he answered in a quiet voice.

"People will wonder why you're with me."

"Why?"

"Because…because…"

Severus sensed this was an insight into Harry that he couldn’t force, and he waited patiently.

"You can do better."

Severus sighed, and pulled Harry tightly against him.

"Listen to me. I am keeping this hidden, because I would like to retain my job. As soon as you are no longer a student here, I will take you to the middle of Diagon Alley and suffocate you with my kisses if that is what it takes to prove I care for you. Harry, I can do no better than you, and people will wonder why _you_ are with _me_. Harry, who has made you think this low of yourself?"

"No-one."

Severus tutted, and tightened his hold on Harry.

"I give you my word, I will not deny you."

Harry burrowed further into his chest, and Severus just held him. Eventually, Harry pulled back and smiled sheepishly.

"Sorry."

"Don't be. But you should get back; we can plan out Easter at your lesson next time."

Harry nodded, and kissed Severus lightly before heading back to Gryffindor tower.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

Easter was blissful, Harry had no friends to account to, so he could come and go as he pleased. He spent most of his time in Severus' office, working mainly, but with plenty of breaks. For those two weeks, none of the stresses and strains of his life were present, and for the first time in his life he was at peace with himself. As he curled against Severus' side, he couldn’t imagine anywhere else he'd rather be, and he was surprised when the older man spoke.

"Are you happy?"

The question seemed out of the blue, and Harry disentangled himself from the wiry limbs, sitting up and smiling softly.

"Yes, are you?"

Severus nodded, and Harry spotted the unasked question in his eyes.

"What is it?"

"Nothing."

"It's something, Sev. What is it?"

The older man looked away, and his voice had an unnecessary edge when he spoke.

"You never accounted for…are you still doing it?"

Harry tensed, he couldn’t tell Severus what had happened, because the man would be disgusted, and Harry felt whole, human when he was with Severus, he couldn’t bear the thought of losing him. So he decided on an evasive strategy, and smiled softly.

"No, I haven't cut for over two months now. I took the blade out once, a couple of weeks ago, when I kissed you and thought I'd screwed everything up, but I realised that maybe with you I didn’t have to run away from the problem, I could face up to it. So I put the razor back without using it. But I still use the cream; most of the scars are barely noticeable unless you're looking for them."

Severus nodded, and raised an eyebrow before sighing softly and standing up, crossing to the brandy decanter and taking a glass.

"You're never going to tell me, are you?"

Harry had truly hoped that his affirmation would close the subject. When they were alone, neither bothered warding their minds as they did in public, and Harry could feel what Severus was feeling. He saw worry, and upset, but most of all hurt. Severus perceived Harry's own reluctance to talk to him as a lack of trust, and it was hurting him more than Harry had realised. The teen stood up, and crossed to Severus, wrapping his arms around the older man's waist and burying his face in the back of Severus' neck as he spoke softly.

"It isn't that I don’t trust you, but I don’t know how to tell you. I…if you know, you'll know everything about me, everything that I am, and chances are you'll hate me. I can’t take that risk; I'm not strong enough to do that. I'm not strong at all, and telling you is admitting that."

"I could never hate you."

"You'd hate me if you knew this."

Harry felt Severus tense, and then relax.

"I wouldn't…couldn't…hate you. But I won't force you either. Would you like a brandy?"

Harry nodded, and kissed the back of Severus' neck gently. The man reached a hand back and stroked Harry's hair softly, before shrugging out of his grip.

"Sit back down; I can’t concentrate when you're this close to me!"

Harry laughed, and headed back to the sofa. Severus came over with the drinks, and Harry settled back into his arms. As they sat in companionable silence, Harry pushed tentatively with his mind, and found that Severus had put his wards back up. Harry started, and pulled back. Severus opened one eye, and raised his eyebrow.

"What now?"

"Why are you warding me out?"

Severus opened both eyes, and set his drink down on the table.

"I'm not. It's just habit to put my mental wards up."

"With me? You haven’t up to now, not while we've been together!"

"Harry, you're over-reacting!"

Harry snapped back from the hand that reached out to him, and set his own drink on the table.

"Does it really upset you that I won't tell you; so much so that you have to close your feelings off from me?"

Severus sighed, and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"I'm sorry. I didn’t want to pressure you; I didn’t take into account how you would feel if you discovered the wards. I'm just trying to do what's best for you."

"Well don't! You're treating me like a child, and I hate it!"

Severus held up both of his hands in surrender, and Harry sighed softly.

"I'm sorry, Sev. I just over-react, I know I do, but I can't help it. I want to be true with you, but I'm scared."

"Then stay as you are. This is not something I will fight over. Now back in my arms, the matter is closed."

Harry nodded, and settled back against Severus, safe in his arms as the fire burned low. War raged in his mind, as desperate as he was to tell Severus everything, he wasn't sure how the older man would react. But the longer Harry sat staring into the fire, the harder it got to bite his tongue. He'd kept so much of himself hidden for so long, and here was a man who could help him, if only Harry could take the first step.

"I started in fourth year. I was too young to cope with the Tournament and the stress that came with it. Everyone thought I had entered myself for the attention, people were talking about me, not even bothering to hide it, and I just…it stopped the pain inside…for a little while at a time."

Severus had gone very still, but he didn’t speak, staying quiet as Harry collected his tangled thoughts. The only sign Severus gave of having heard Harry was a slight tightening of his hold on Harry, pulling him as close as was comfortable for either man. Harry collected his composure, and spoke again.

"Then, when everyone accused me of lying over Voldemort being back…I'd intended to stop, I did stop over the summer, but then I just…it was a way out, and I needed it. It was just after Sirius died, I got lax, didn’t take as much care as I should, and Ron found out. He…he…"

Harry voice trailed off as he bean to cry softly, and Severus held out a tissue.

"He helped you?"

Harry shook his head, and Severus felt panic and nausea rising in his throat.

"Harry?"

"He…he told me…he was right…"

Severus could barely contain his rage, and it took every ounce of control he had to keep his voice even when he spoke.

"What did he tell you, Harry?"

The Gryffindor shook his head, and buried his face further into Severus' chest. The older man did not know how to phrase the question on his lips, so he held Harry tightly, waiting until the sobs had calmed down before speaking.

"Harry, I promised you I would never lie to you. I will tell you honestly if his words were true."

There was a trembling intake of breath, and Harry's voice cracked painfully when he eventually spoke.

"He said that I was broken. That no one could ever love me, because all I do is bring pain into people's lives. My parents, Cedric and Sirius are dead because of me, and then when Dumbledore died, he told me that it was my fault too. He said that I would never be loved for who I was, and there was no-one in the world that would want me. But that he…he would look after me. He would be my friend, even when it would be better if he just ignored me, he'd make that sacrifice for me. If I…if I repaid him."

Harry was trembling in his arms, and Severus kissed the top of his head softly. He was about to speak when Harry's voice, a croaky whisper, shattered his consciousness.

"And I did. I'm so sorry Sev. I did."

"You did what?"

"I…I repaid him. He came, with his wand, and I just…I gave in"

Severus felt his own body tense, and Harry felt it too, because he tried to wrench away.

"I told you! I told you you’d hate me!"

The teen managed to get out of a startled Severus' grip, and bolted to the door. Severus regained his wits, and caught up with Harry, pulling him around and catching his face, staring fiercely into swimming emerald eyes.

"I _do not_ hate you! Harry, do you even realise how far from the truth that is? I love you, Harry. I _love_ you! You are not broken; you have survived something that most people couldn't. And you are not responsible for Cedric and Sirius. The part of you that made Cedric take the trophy with you, to share the glory equally, is the part of you that saved him from Krum. You prevented him being killed by a boy who would then have to spend his life with blood on his hands for an act he was forced into! And Sirius…Sirius walked into trouble. He knew the Order could handle it, but he jumped in unprepared anyway. Yes, you were manipulated into going to the Ministry, but you were _fifteen_ Harry, you had no chance against Voldemort's sadistic mind-games! And Dumbledore, you know damn well that was not your fault! As for your parents, they were openly against Voldemort, and vital members of the Order. They were already down on his list to die, the only thing the Prophecy did was bring that day a little closer. Harry, if you blame yourself for this it will devour you. You are strong, stronger than you give yourself credit for, and you do not deserve this!"

Severus stopped his tirade to suck in a breath, and let go of Harry's face gently.

"You don't…agree with him?"

"No! If I hate anyone, if anyone is worthless and vile and broken, it is him! You had no choice!"

Harry shook his head, and lowered his eyes.

"I could have said no."

"He had his wand every time?"

Harry nodded silently, and Severus caught his chin, tipping his head back up and making sure the teen met his eyes as he spoke slowly and softly.

"Then you had no choice. Harry, he waited until you were at your most vulnerable, and he exploited you. There is no excuse for what he has done to you, but none of the fault lies with you. Does anyone else know?"

Harry shook his head, and looked at the floor again.

"To start, it was just things like doing his homework, paying for things. But then…I came out, and he showed up in my bed that night. Said that he had the perfect way for me to repay him. I told him to get lost, that he was a mate, and he raised his wand. I let…I let him…use me…my mouth…and he said that if I told anyone, they'd think I solicited it, because I was gay. That people would think I'd attacked Ron, and I'd be thrown out of school, out of society. I thought that would be it, but then he came back, and I'd done it once, so I didn’t know how to stop…how to make him stop."

Severus felt his own tears welling up, fighting his anger for the place as his dominant emotion, and he took both of Harry's hands in his own.

"I know that was hard, but you've told me, and I will help. I need to ask you some questions, and I need you to be honest with me. Can you do that?"

Harry nodded, and Severus led him back into the little office, sitting on the sofa and pulling Harry down next to him.

"Did he ever make you do anything further?"

"No."

"When was the last time this happened?"

"A few weeks ago. He has Hermione now, and coupled with my extra lessons and work, we barely see each other anymore. I thought over Easter he'd…but Hermione invited us to stay with her, and I said I didn't want to be a third wheel, so he went with her, and I was free."

Severus nodded, and twisted a lock of Harry's hair back behind his ear.

"Harry, what he did was wrong. He forced you, and that has to be punished."

"No! I don't…no-one else!"

Harry was starting to panic, and Severus held his hands, making soothing noises as Harry's breathing evened out again.

"OK. You decide what we do."

"Nothing."

"Harry, he has to be punished for this, for hurting you!"

"No. Please, Severus?"

Severus sighed, and nodded softly.

"OK. School will be finished in a few months, and then you don’t have to see him again. But if he comes near you again, Harry, I will kill him."

The Gryffindor nodded, and Severus sighed deeply, pulling him against his chest tightly, relieved to feel Harry return the embrace.

"I don't think any less of you. I meant what I said Harry."

"You love me?"

Severus hoped he hadn’t tensed. He really hadn’t meant to say that, but it had tripped off his tongue naturally. The more he thought about it, the more he realised, as absurd as it seemed, it was true.

"Yes, Harry, I love you."

Severus felt the teen's grip tighten slightly, and his voice floated up between their bodies.

"I think I love you too. Thank you, for this."

"Everything will work out, I promise."

Harry didn’t respond, and Severus allowed the silence to continue as his mind processed what he had learnt, his hands keeping up a constant, soothing massage on Harry's back, feeling the muscles gradually relax as Harry's breathing evened out and he fell into a light sleep in Severus' arms…


	6. Breaking Point

**Disclaimer – I don't own any of these characters, I'm just borrowing them. This will be a relatively short instalment fic, maybe seven or eight chapters. However, it's darker than other stuff I've written (see chapter warnings) so if you're looking for light and fluffy this isn't the place. Other than that, let me know what you think, xxx**

 

 

It was with a strength that Severus hadn’t realised he possessed that he tolerated Ron's existence in the school, all because Harry asked him to. The redhead was wrapped up in Granger, and Harry seemed happy enough. He was already surpassing most of his classmates, and there was really no reason for him to keep up the extra lessons. But Severus insisted on spending at least some of their time together on work, though the majority was spent curled in front of the fire.

As his seventh years worked on their potions, Severus allowed his mind to marvel at the absurdity of the situation he found himself in, and yet at the complete perfection of it as well. As May merged into June, Severus focused on the point when Harry would leave school, and what they would do. Neither of them had brought it up in conversation, and Severus made a mental note to do that, as things such as living arrangements needed to be sorted out. As the bell rang and the students started filing out, Severus felt Harry nudge his mind, and opened it for him.

[Yes?]

[See you tonight.]

[You invaded my mind to tell me something I already know?]

[Yes, and because people might notice if I start smiling at you in class. Honestly Sev, I know you have a reputation to maintain, but it's just ridiculous how rude you are to me sometimes!]

[My apologies, I didn’t mean to offend you. Now, ensure you are at the back when you leave.]

[Why?]

[So I can watch.]

Severus felt Harry chuckle as he drew out, and sure enough, the Gryffindor was the last to leave the classroom, giving his hips a little swing as he closed the door, making Severus swear softly and be uncharacteristically nice to his third years…

 

 

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Harry stretched, and rubbed his eyes. Severus glanced at him, and smiled softly.

"How do you feel?"

"Tired, and nervous."

"You've worked hard Harry, you'll do fine."

Harry nodded, and kissed Severus' cheek softly. 

"I'm going to go to bed. I just have to get through the Potions practical tomorrow, and then I'm done. I've told everyone that you're making me do my final extra lesson tomorrow evening because you're sadistic and want to make my life difficult, so I'll come as usual, and you can reward me for being such a good student."

"I believe that the reward will be deferred to results day. And must you paint me as such a tyrant to your friends?"

"Yes, it's fun. Besides, like I'm ever going to see any of them again!"

Severus chuckled, and kissed Harry again.

"OK, off you go then, and we can talk more tomorrow. And Harry?"

Harry looked back as he crossed to the door.

"Not that I think you'll need it, but good luck for tomorrow."

"Thanks. See you tomorrow. Love you."

"You too."

 

 

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_I had left the Gryffindor party a few minutes ago, and assumed I'd be able to slip out with little fuss. I changed and checked myself in the bathroom mirror. With absolutely no work to do, I was going to make this evening with Severus count. Ron hasn't touched me in months, too engrossed in work and Hermione to care for me. Which suited me just fine, and I have a smile on my face as I walk out of the bathroom._

_"What are you smiling at?"_

_I stop, and the smile falls from my face swiftly._

_"Nothing. I thought you were at the party?"_

_Ron shrugs, and moves closer to me._

_"I thought we could celebrate."_

_I recognise the tone, and must visibly recoil as Ron's temper flares._

_"What's that face for? You owe me a hell of a lot, Harry, and you've gotten lax in repaying me!"_

_He steps closer to me and I flinch away. I have to stop this; I can't just give in and then go to Severus._

_"No. I've repaid you. We leave in a few weeks, and then you won’t have to look out for me anymore."_

_"And who the hell will look out for you? You're nothing without me, just a lost, broken, used-up little boy!"_

_"I'm a hell of a lot better than you!"_

_Ron stops dead and I freeze, waiting for the reaction. I'm almost certain that I could take Ron in a fight, but I'd rather not, I've never seen him this angry before, and anger gives us strength we don't know we possess._

_"Says who?"_

_"No-one."_

_"Who's been putting these ideas in your head? Got yourself a faggot boyfriend have you?"_

_I don't answer, and I can see Ron's mind working. I beg that he won’t make the connection, but my heart crumbles when I see his eyes widen._

_"Snape."_

_"What?"_

_"Snape. Of course! Well, it figures."_

_"I don't know what you're…"_

_"I should have realised sooner – who wears aftershave to remedial potions?!"_

_I begin to panic, and Ron darts forward, grabbing me and tossing me onto my bed. He wards the curtains and punches me, breaking my jaw with a sickening crunch._

_"You honestly think he wants you? You're being used, Harry, and you’re too broken to see it!"_

_My head is fogged with fear, and I clutch onto the only lifeline I can see._

_"He knows! If you hurt me he'll get to you!"_

_Ron sniggers, and presses down on my throat, cutting my air supply down to a slight trickle._

_"So he knows what a trashy, easy, used-up whore you are? Really Harry, are you stupid too? He found out you’re a whore, and decided that he'd get in on it! You think he's hollowing you out because he loves you? What would a grown man want with you!"_

_I feel tears spill down my cheeks, and Ron moves his hand from my throat, punching me again and breaking my nose._

_"Seen as you're letting Snape fuck you, I think you should offer that favour to me."_

_"No! Gods I'll scream and…"_

_"And no one will hear. Breathe a word and I'll have Snape kicked out of here. It’s an offence to fuck a student, even one as worthless as you!"_

_I can’t breath properly I'm crying so hard, and all the fight leaves me as Ron presses his wand to my temple._

_"I won’t make a mistake. I won’t let you cheat death."_

_I go limp as Ron flips me over and wrenches down my jeans. I hear his zipper, and try to get away, but I can't shift Ron's body off me, it's pinning me down. I'd finally begun to fantasize about being with Severus, taking that step, and now Ron was going to take everything from me. Ron pushes my legs apart, and I scream as he enters me. He pushes my head roughly into the pillow, and I scream into the feathers, tears soaking the material as I feel my insides ripping. Ron yanks himself out of me for another, harder, thrust, and I feel warmth trickle between my legs, but then Ron is back inside me and the white-hot, blinding pain increases. It doesn’t take long before Ron is grunting and moaning, and then he tenses, and I cry harder, knowing that he's spilling his seed deep inside me without my consent. Ron yanks out, and I hear his voice by my ear._

_"You will never be worth anything more than this. And no-one, not Snape, not anyone, will ever love you. So just let those fantasies go like a good little whore."_

_I stay still, warding my bed when Ron has gone and curling into a tight ball on my bed. The pain is too consuming for me to do anything but sob into my pillow, and all thoughts of Severus flee my mind as I try to ignore the steady trickle of blood and cum snaking down my thigh…_

 

 

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Severus was pacing, and trying not to scream. Harry hadn’t shown up on Friday evening, and he hadn’t been anywhere in the school for Severus to find. Seventh years' lessons were cancelled, but Harry wasn't in the Great Hall at meals, he wasn't with his friends in the summer sun, and Severus was beside himself with worry. He had just resolved to go ask Minerva, screw the consequences, when there was a knock at the door. Severus flew to the door and wrenched it open, no student knocked on the door to his private office, this had to be…

"Longbottom?"

The plump Gryffindor looked terrified, and Severus felt his temper breaking.

"I don’t have time for you!"

"Please…"

This word seemed to have used up all of Neville's courage, and he just trembled in the doorway. Severus fought to regain himself, and breathed deeply a few times before speaking.

"Please what, Longbottom?"

Neville looked anywhere but Severus, and then garbled out.

"Ineedtotalktoyou."

"I have no time to talk to you."

Severus went to close the door, and Neville blurted out three words that froze Severus to his soul.

"It's about Harry."

Unable to slam the door even if he'd wanted to, Severus nodded, and retreated into his office, shoving Neville onto the sofa and sitting in a chair.

"What?"

"I…when he was…"

"Longbottom, spit it out!"

Neville shivered, and inhaled deeply, before staring out of the small window as he spoke in a voice a few octaves higher than normal.

"I think he's upset. He was happy when he came to these lessons, with you, and I think you've been helping him talk about things, because he was happier than he was before."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"He smells of your aftershave when he gets back from the lessons."

Severus swore softly, and Neville blushed.

"I'm not…I haven't told anyone, but I…he…"

Severus resisted the urge to strangle the words out of Neville, and waited while the boy gathered his courage.

"I think he's hurting himself, but I don’t know how to stop him. You can."

"What makes you think this?"

"He's been in bed since Friday, and he says he's just got the flu or something. But on Friday evening I found him slumped in the bathroom, gone out like he'd blacked out or something, and there was blood on his clothes, but he just dismissed it and climbed into his bed. I couldn't get him to come out, not even Ron could get him to come out of bed. And Ron's really worried; I told him to get a teacher but he said he couldn't, that he'd get blamed. I don't understand what he meant, but I know Harry needs help. Ron's been trying to help him, but it hasn't worked."

Severus felt time stand still as he tried to process this information. Of course Ron's help hadn't worked – Ron was the blasted problem. Severus inhaled deeply, and then he spoke very quickly, in a level voice that he had never used with Neville before.

"I need you to retain your discretion, and take me to Gryffindor Tower. I will take an invisibility Potion. When you have got me into the dorm you must leave. I will help Harry, but you must not tell anyone."

"I won't."

Severus nodded, and stood up, grabbing a small vial off a dusty shelf and drinking it in. When he could look in the mirror and see nothing, he spoke.

"Lead the way."


	7. The Truth.

**Disclaimer – I don't own any of these characters, I'm just borrowing them. This will be a relatively short instalment fic, maybe seven or eight chapters. However, it's darker than other stuff I've written (see chapter warnings) so if you're looking for light and fluffy this isn't the place. Other than that, let me know what you think, xxx**

 

 

Harry opened a sore eye and saw the curtains around the bed billow. Then a small vial appeared from nowhere, lifting a few feet and tipping before falling to the bed. Severus materialised in front of his eyes, and Harry backed away in fear. The man just looked at him for a few minutes, and then re-warded the bed. 

Severus took one look at Harry and decided sudden movements were off the tables. He lay down very carefully, and reached out a hand. Harry flinched away, but Severus didn’t stop until his fingers were resting on Harry's cheek.

"I love you. Nothing will change that."

He'd expected an argument, his previous experience had taught him that it took a lot of persuasion to get Harry to trust him when he was hurting, but Severus was shocked when the Gryffindor moved silently into his arms and burrowed tightly against him. Both men lay in silence for what felt like an eternity, and then Harry spoke softly.

"I think he raped me."

Severus couldn’t stop the choked sob that escaped his throat, and he pulled Harry tighter to him as the Gryffindor began to cry, and Severus shed his own tears even as he soothed the teen. When Harry's shoulder stopped shaking, Severus pulled back, and stroked his slick cheek softly.

"Have you healed yourself?"

Harry nodded, and Severus mirrored him.

"You understand I can't let this pass."

Harry began to panic, and Severus leaned over, brushing a kiss over his lips and effectively silencing him.

"I love you too much to let what he did go unpunished. I promise you, I will not kill him, and I will not tell anyone else. But I will make him pay."

Harry stayed silent, and just lay with Severus, feeling the older man's emotions wash over the both of them, anger and fury eventually mellowing into relief Harry was alive, and love. Harry just lay, amazed at the way the rough, biting edge of what he thought Ron had done to him was being slowly eroded by Severus' presence. He pulled up, and met Severus' onyx eyes.

"You really love me, don’t you?"

"Yes Harry, I really love you."

"Please, I just want to leave here. Go somewhere where nobody knows me and I can be safe with you."

Severus nodded, and sat up, stiff and aching from hours spent in the same position.

"Then that is what we'll do. Pack, and say goodbye to anyone you wish to say goodbye to. Tell them that you will be in touch if and when you are ready, and that you will be going unplottable, so they won’t be able to find you. And appease Longbottom, it was he who came and got me for you. He worked us out, and saw blood on your clothes. He thought you had been cutting yourself, and came to me. Obviously he isn’t as stupid as I believed. I will go and tell Minerva that I quit, and give her the address to send your results to."

Harry nodded, and got up, spurred on by this plan, even though he'd laid near-catatonic for the past three days; somehow, someway, Severus negated that, and Harry knew in that instant that he would get better in the older man's care. Severus disappeared from view, and Harry threw the things he wanted into his case. He shrunk it, slipped it into his pocket, headed downstairs, and saw Neville sat with his other friends. Hermione looked up, and spoke in a strained voice.

"Why was Snape up there with you? And where have you been? I thought you were ill. And why did Snape make Ron go with him?"

"I don’t know, I'm sure Ron will tell you. I'm leaving. Severus was up there because we were deciding where to go. I love him, and we're leaving together. Don’t try and contact me, any of you, because you won’t be able to you. You'll hear from me when I'm ready."

Harry ignored the jumbled questions, and caught Neville's eyes.

"Thank you."

 

 

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Severus backed Ron into an empty classroom, and warded the room, disarming Ron swiftly and then sitting down on a desk.

"I know."

"Professor, Harry is unstable and…"

"I know, Ron, what you did to him. And I'm on my way to quit, so you have no more leverage."

"Please, I know how this looks but you have to believe me; Harry is delusional!"

Severus scoffed, and Ron swore.

"I know what you think happened, but it didn’t. Harry…he has these…they're like black-outs almost; he just shuts off for an hour or something, his eyes all glazed and stuff. And he has conversations with us in his head. I've heard him, at night, begging me to get off him even when I've been in my own bed! He lost his mind in the final battle, and now he's…I don’t know what he's trying to do, but if you believe that I would hurt him like that then he's succeeding! Gods, I love Hermione, and I couldn't, wouldn't hurt him like that. I've been trying to help him, but I don’t know how to get through to him, and if even you believe his side of the story, what chance do I have of making anyone believe me?"

Ron looked at his Potions Master, praying that he would believe him. The older man buried his face in his hands, and silence hung heavy over the room. Eventually, Severus looked up, and searched Ron's eyes.

"He's making this up?"

"Yes. Please, just…don’t hate him, just help him to get sorted out."

"Why should I believe you?"

"You're a Legilimens, you can read me. I'm not lying; Harry is so far gone I think that he actually believes that what he's saying is the truth!"

Severus reached out with his mind, and found no resistance from Ron. He felt around, searching desperately for a lie, but couldn't find it. The redhead was telling the truth, and Severus felt his world crumble. He loved the boy, and his entire world was falling apart with the realisation that it had all been a façade.

"Please, help him. Maybe he'll get better, and then the two of you can…he's been in love with you for years but the battle it…please, Severus, I don’t know how to help him on my own."

Severus sighed, and wiped furiously at unshed tears before turning to Ron.

"I'll take him to the hospital wing. He needs to be sectioned. I apologise, for believing him. Please, try and keep this to yourself, Harry needs space if he is ever to recover his sanity."

 

 

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Harry saw Severus walking towards him, and smiled widely.

"Let's go."

"I spoke to Ron."

There was something in the older man's voice, and Harry froze.

"He denied it? And you believe him?"

"I read him. He's telling the truth. You’re delusional, you need help."

"No I…"

Severus shook his head, and Harry felt him force his way into his mind. He felt as Severus poked about, and then withdrew quickly.

"You're delusional. You believe that the things you told me happened, but they did not. You need to be sectioned."

Harry screamed, and began to cry.

"No! He raped me and you believe him! I love you and you’re just abandoning me!"

Severus began to cry as well, and pulled Harry close against him.

"He didn’t. You need help. Harry, get help, or your lies will see you imprisoned."

"No! I love you; don’t let what he did go unpunished!"

"Ron has not hurt you. Harry, get help, and I will stay with you, by your side as you try and regain your sanity. I will not run from you, but I will not let you continue hurting yourself and others like this."

Harry wrenched out, trying to run, blinded by his tears and not seeing Severus draw his wand. He heard the curse though, and was conscious just long enough to feel his body hit the floor.

Severus looked at Harry's crumpled form, and scooped it up. He turned and saw Ron.

"Come with me. You need to help me explain this to the Healers."

Ron nodded, and stepped forward slowly.

"I know you must be hurt, but he does love you. He needs you."

"He's insane, he needs psychiatric help. He may never get better Ron."

Ron nodded, and looked at Harry's unconscious form.

"I know. But if you don’t stay with him, he'll die, and Voldemort will have won."

Severus sighed and blinked away tears.

"Then Voldemort will win. I can't trust him anymore. I can't love someone I don’t trust."


	8. Forgiveness

**Disclaimer – I don't own any of these characters, I'm just borrowing them. This will be a relatively short instalment fic, maybe seven or eight chapters. However, it's darker than other stuff I've written (see chapter warnings) so if you're looking for light and fluffy this isn't the place. Other than that, let me know what you think, xxx**

 

Three Years Later

Harry smiled softly at Hermione and Ron as he sat on the windowsill.

"And you're sure I can stay with you?"

Hermione crossed to sit with him and put her arm around him.

"Of course. But you have to promise me three things."

"Anything."

"OK. One, you have to keep taking your potions, no matter how good you feel."

"OK."

"Two, you have to tell us the minute you start slipping back inside yourself, and we can help you."

"I hurt you so badly and…"

"Harry, you were ill, and it wasn't your fault. We made you a promise, at Dumbledore's funeral, that we would be with you no matter what. And we will be. Promise me."

Harry felt tears spill over his cheeks, and Hermione brushed them away gently as he answered her.

"OK."

"Good. Thirdly, you start living again. I know how hard it's going to be – you've been here for three years. But we're here for you, and we'll help you adjust. All that people know is that the battle affected you badly, and you needed to take some time out to recover yourself. Me and Ron will protect you, but you have to protect yourself, from relapse."

"I will. I don't deserve you."

"Yes you do. I'll go get your discharge forms, OK?"

Harry nodded, and Hermione left the room. Ron came and took her place, smiling softly at Harry. They'd talked over what had happened many times, and though it had been hard, he knew that Harry hadn't meant him harm, and he'd forgiven the brunette.

"I have a requirement, Harry."

"Anything."

Ron handed Harry a piece of parchment with an address written on it.

"He loved you three years ago, and he loves you now. I don’t know that he'll take you back, but you have to go to him, even if just to apologise."

"I can't, he hates me!"

"Yes, but he loves you too. I wouldn't have given you this if I didn't honestly believe that you were capable of earning his trust again. Just think it through, OK?"

 

 

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Harry looked down at the parchment, checking he had the right address. Inhaling deeply he raised the bronze knocker and listened as it echoed around the small cottage. There was no reply, and Harry scoffed. Figures that Severus would have moved in the two weeks Harry had been toying with coming here, and Harry cursed his luck. As he was about to turn and leave the front door flung open, and there, in a billow of black robes with a snarl that could freeze lava, was Severus Snape. His eyes widened with surprise, and for long minutes he and Harry just stood on the doorstep looking at each other. Eventually the silence got too much to bear, and Harry spoke quietly.

"Hi, Professor."

He didn't know quite why he'd chosen to address Severus so formally, but he knew that he didn’t have the right to use the man's first name, not after what he'd done.

"Potter."

"I came to…I came…wanted to…apologise and…explain."

The silence stretched on and on, and Harry felt his resolve crumbling.

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have…"

"…Would you like to come in?"

Harry stopped as Severus cut across him, and looked at Severus open-mouthed.

"What?"

"Your apology. You may make it on the door-step if you wish, Mr Potter, but it is the middle of winter and I am cold here, so have invited you inside to save myself the bother of frostbite."

Harry couldn't help smiling; he'd missed that snarky tone.

"If you're sure?"

"I offered, didn't I?"

Harry nodded, and stepped through the door. He waited while Severus closed the front door, and then followed him through to a comfortable sitting room. Severus settled in a chair, and looked at Harry warily. He'd delivered the boy to St Mungo's three years earlier and tried to move on with his life. But seeing the young man sat in his living room only cemented what he had already known – that abandoning the boy hadn't stopped Severus from loving him – and he hoped that the brunette would make this quick, lest Severus' resolve crumble and he do something drastic. Like kiss the full lips, so impossibly pink from the biting wind.

Harry undid his travelling cloak, and laid it over the back of his chair, along with his scarf and gloves, before sitting down quietly. He worked up his courage slowly, and forced himself to meet obsidian eyes, even though it hurt.

"I don't know how much sense this will make, but I will try."

"Go on then."

"I want…you deserve an apology. I will never be able to apologise enough for what I did to you, to anyone, and I don’t expect you to forgive me, because I don't deserve it. I…I've spent the past three years in Mungo's, slowly regaining my sanity. For six months I refused to believe what they told me, and then one morning I had a blackout, and I knew that I'd had it. My mind didn't try and fill it with an event, and it was then that I realised what I'd been doing. That hurt so much; the realisation that I had accused my best friend of something so heinous, and dragged you into it. Knowing that I'd dragged you into this hurt most of all, and I wish there was some magic word I could say to undo it, but there isn't. These words are all I have; and even though I know in my heart they won't be, I still hope that they'll be enough.

The Healers were so good, and they helped me to understand. I think the last battle truly did tip me over the edge; I was seventeen and not equipped to deal with the demands of war. I couldn't rationalise what I did; the people that I killed in the name of a higher purpose. That's when the blackouts started. They were only an hour or so at a time; when the pain got too much and my body shut down. The things that I thought Ron had said to me were the things that I thought about myself. I believed I was broken, and worthless, but my mind couldn't handle hating itself so much; so it…I…put the words in Ron's mouth to try and take away some of the damage being done by hating myself so strongly. It was never something I did intentionally, but three years has told me that I did it all the same. The things…that I claimed happened to me…my subconscious mind created them to try and rationalise the pain I felt. I truly believed them; I did not lie to you intentionally. After I'd told you, it got easier to cope…you made me feel loved and safe, and I stopped cutting myself. Then, the night after the last exam, it was like the last tendril of sanity slipped. I'd been holding on for so long; just to get through the war; just to get through the exams; and there was nothing to 'just get through' anymore. I blacked out, and hallucinated…hallucinated being raped. When I came too, there were scratch marks on my sides; that was the blood on my clothes that Neville saw. I assumed they were from the rape, and healed them, but I'd done them myself without realising it. But I'd shut down, and couldn’t move. Until you came to me."

It was at this point that it got too hard for Harry to keep holding Severus' eyes when he spoke, and he looked away, his eyes filling with tears, his voice catching as he forced himself to say the last thing that he had come to say.

"Hermione and Ron stuck with me, and they helped me heal. They're giving me a place to live while I get back on my feet; and even though I don’t deserve it, they have forgiven me."

"And now you seek forgiveness from me?"

"No. I can never earn your forgiveness, or your trust, and I know that. But I had to apologise anyway, and tell you something."

"What?"

Harry forced himself, with all the strength he possessed, to look at Severus, even as his eyes clouded with tears.

"I loved you. For a long time before I got sick, though I was too scared to say anything. And when…when you kissed me it was all I wanted. I…the things I said to you, about wanting a relationship with you, a future with you, they were the truth. I loved you so much, and I wish to Merlin I hadn’t hurt you, because what you did for me was more than I ever could have hoped for. I loved you so much, and I didn’t mean to hurt you. Please, I didn’t mean to hurt you, I could never intentionally hurt you."

Harry's voice gave out, and he wiped his eyes hastily on his sleeves. Clearing his throat, he said with more confidence than he felt.

"That was it, thank you for listening to me. I'll close the door on the way out, and I won't show up here again."

Harry stood, and picked up his things, but Severus' voice stopped him walking away.

"And what are your feelings now?"

"What?"

"Your feelings. To me."

Harry's mouth dropped open slightly, and Severus gestured at the chair.

"Sit, and offer me the same courtesy I gave you. Listen to me."

Harry sat back down obediently, and watched Severus as he spoke. The older man had no tears clouding his eyes, but he was still finding each word as difficult as Harry had.

"I should not have abandoned you, but I hated you. I hated that you could lie to me like you did. And though I knew that you were ill, rationality does not have much bearing on the heart. Just as it was irrational for me to love you, so too was it irrational for me to hate you, but both I did and I make no apologies for either. Many times, over the past three years, I have thought about visiting you, gotten all the way to Mungo's before losing my nerve. And now you sit before me; acknowledging that you deserve no forgiveness for what you did. I do not trust you, Harry, but I love you, and I forgive you."

"Severus I…"

"Silent. Listen to me before you let your mouth make promises, in case your heart cannot follow them up. I assume you are on a potion?"

"Yes."

"Good. You will take that everyday, and every day that you take it is a day you are allowed to see me. I can't deny that it will be difficult, but I also can’t deny that I have been lost these past three years. I love you, and if you can make me the promise that you will seek help before relapsing, then I can begin to trust you again. I had planned, Harry, when you finished your exams, to ask you to live with me. Prove to me that I can trust you, and I will make that offer again. Please don’t think this will be easy, but if you are prepared to fight for what we had, and what could have been, then so am I. This is the closest I will ever come to begging, Harry, and I will not allow myself to be hurt by you again, so think about this carefully."

Severus watched as the younger wizard closed his eyes, chewing his bottom lip softly, before standing up and crossing over to his chair. He watched as Harry dropped to his knees in front of him, and took his hand, holding it up to his lips. Severus felt as Harry placed a soft kiss to his hand, and stayed like that for long minutes. He felt the brunette's lips moving, but could not make out the words. Pulling his hand back gently, he tipped Harry's head up, and saw the younger man smiling even as tears streamed down his cheeks.

"I love you Severus. Let me earn that love from you, let me repair what I broke."

Severus slid off his chair, kneeling in front of Harry and taking the brunette's face in his hands. He leant forward slowly and placed a chaste kiss on his lips.

"If you are here, and you are well, and you love me, then I am no longer broken."

Harry listened to the words, but didn’t dare let his heart believe them. Severus smiled; the older wizard had always been able to read Harry's silences.

"I promised you Harry, that I would always help you when you asked me, and I would always be honest with you. I stay true to those promises today."

Harry nodded, and moved into the older wizards arms, burying his face in a neck that he had missed so passionately. He had no idea how much time had passed, but eventually he pulled away.

"I should get back, Hermione and Ron will be worried. Can…can I see you again?"

"Yes, I would like that."

"I'd like it too. Will you…can I court you? Properly, to earn back what I lost?"

Severus felt a smile play at his lips, he'd missed Harry's peculiar world-view; he was glad it hadn’t been a side-effect of his declining mental stability.

"Yes, you may court me."

"Good. Can…would you like to go out, on Friday, for a meal?"

"I would like that."

"Good. If I book a table for…seven thirty, and pick you up at quarter past?"

Severus nodded, and Harry dried his eyes on his sleeve. Standing up, he held out a hand for Severus, but did not release it when the older man was standing. Instead, he brought the pale hand to his mouth and kissed it again, relishing the taste of his true love. He released Severus, and met his eyes.

"I'll see you on Friday then."

Severus nodded, and walked Harry out, waiting until he had disapparated before shutting the door and warding his cottage. Turning his back to the door he slid to the floor, his wiry frame wracked with sobs. But, though this cottage had seen many of his tears, this night, for the first time in three years, they were not tears of sorrow, and loss and despair, but tears of hope, and joy and love. For tonight he'd got back what he'd walked away from, what he'd thought he'd lost forever.

Tonight, he'd realised, that no matter what it took, he was going to be able to trust the man he loved again. And as Severus allowed that seed of hope and love and conviction to grow in his chest, his tears kept flowing, but he did not curse them.

For once, Severus Snape cherished each tear that he cried over Harry Potter, and promised each one that he would never again walk away from the Boy Who Lived – the Boy He Loved.


	9. Epilogue - Happy Ending

**Disclaimer – I don't own any of these characters, I'm just borrowing them. This will be a relatively short instalment fic, maybe seven or eight chapters. However, it's darker than other stuff I've written (see chapter warnings) so if you're looking for light and fluffy this isn't the place. Other than that, let me know what you think, xxx**

 

Harry leant heavily on Severus as they staggered through the door of his cottage. Severus had taken him out for a meal and kept him out drinking until midnight so that he could be the first to wish Harry a happy twenty-first birthday. Consequently, the young wizard had consumed a lot of alcohol, and was giggling helplessly as Severus warded the cottage.

"Just what is so funny Mr Potter?"

Harry shook his head, following Severus into the lounge and straddling the older man's lap as he reclined on the sofa. Harry placed messy kisses on his face and neck.

"I had fun tonight."

Severus responded with a moan as Harry's mouth latched onto his neck, and pulled the brunette up, claiming his lips in a bruising kiss. Harry felt Severus' hands running across his back, and ground his hips forcefully as he continued kissing him, getting more and more aroused. Severus knew the brunette was drunk, and pulled back gently.

"You need to sleep before the party tomorrow."

"Have you got me a present?"

"Yes."

"I've got you a present."

"It isn't my birthday."

Harry shrugged, and bit Severus' lower lip roughly.

"Do you want your present now, Severus?"

Harry didn't wait for Severus to respond, but grabbed his hand and placed the pale fingers over his bulging jeans. Severus was too startled to respond, and Harry's eyes were dark with lust when he asked,

"Do you like your present?"

Severus squeezed gently, enjoying the soft gasp that passed Harry's plump lips, before answering.

"Mmm, I want to open it nice and slowly and then play with it."

"Fuck! Severus fuck yes!"

Harry began thrusting his hips, but Severus pulled his hand away, holding Harry's hips still. He saw the crushing disappointment in his young lover's eyes; even after almost nine months of getting to know each other again, he knew that the brunette still feared he would lose Severus. But Severus had a cure for that, and he needed time.

"I'm not rejecting you, Harry, I love you."

"I get so scared you'll leave me."

"I won't. I promise you, I will fuck you senseless and you will scream my name until you pass out with pleasure, coming again and again under my touch."

Harry's breathing was hitched, his cock straining as Severus purred at him.

"So hard for you Sev."

Severus chuckled; Harry tended to point out the obvious.

"But this first time, I want us both sober. Please?"

As much as Harry wanted Severus right there on the couch, he nodded, and took a deep breath, trying to clear the alcohol-induced fuzziness in his brain. He managed to clear enough to realise quite how drunk he was, and smiled stupidly at Severus.

"OK. I'm going to go now, will you come tomorrow?"

"You know I will. I love you."

"Love you too Sev."

Harry leant down and kissed Severus remarkably chastely, before standing up and swaying slightly. Severus grinned, and stood up too, going into the kitchen and fetching a vial.

"Here, this will lift the effects of the alcohol; Merlin knows where you'd end up if you apparated in this state."

Harry emptied the vial, and Severus watched as his eyes cleared, and a blush stole up his cheeks. Severus chuckled, and kissed Harry gently.

"Until tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow. Night Sev, sleep well."

"You too."

Harry grinned again, before stepping smartly on the spot and disappearing from view. Severus had keyed the brunette into his wards almost two months ago, in the hope he might get a desperate and horny young man apparating into his bedroom at three in the morning. Alas, Harry had never once apparated directly into his home, instead apparating to the gate and knocking on the door. As hard as it was to believe, in only nine short months Severus had been reassured that Harry was sane, and true to him. He was even able to be civil to the Gryffindor's friends, who had all stuck by him so well. Mind you, that may have something to do with the fact he was no longer their Potions Master – instead working in the comfort of his own home on Potions for the Healers to use to reverse the sicknesses that still had no cure, hard but rewarding work – and could laugh and joke with them when the mood struck him. As it did increasingly when Harry was around.

Sighing deeply, Severus headed into his bedroom and stripped quickly, fingering his erection as he slipped between the covers and thought about the party the next night…

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

Harry hugged Hermione tight, and waved her and Ron off as they walked down the street back to their house. He'd bought this house almost four months ago, unable to infringe on his two best friends' hospitality any longer, and it was only five minutes down the road, should he ever need them quickly. Closing the door gently Harry warded the house thoroughly and walked into the kitchen. His birthday party had been a resounding success; he'd lost himself so severely at school that he hadn't realised how understanding his friends could be. Especially about Severus. Who was sat at the kitchen table surveying the mess with a look of evident distaste. Harry laughed, and dropped down on the other side of the table.

"I'll clean it up, just give me five minutes."

"Hmm, see that you do clean it up; I thought you'd grow out of your untidiness!"

"You love my messiness!"

"In some aspects of our life, yes. Though I will sit back and watch you clean every inch of this house with pleasure!"

"You won't help?"

"No, you shouldn't have bought such a large house if you weren't prepared to clean it!"

Harry blushed, and Severus raised an eyebrow.

"What?"

"I bought a big house because I hoped that one day I'd have someone to share it with me."

Severus was knocked silent by this, and smiled softly at Harry, before reaching into his pocket and putting a gift wrapped box on the table in front of Harry.

"You're gift. Happy Birthday, Harry."

The brunette grinned, and took the box, carefully pulling open the ribbon before slitting open the wrapping paper. Inside was a black box, and he opened it, revealing two platinum bands. For long minutes he sat and looked at them, then closed the box and pushed it back to Severus, pouting childishly.

"Too easy."

Severus sniggered, and stood up, taking the box and crossing round to drop on one knee and smile calmly up at Harry.

"I suspected you'd do this. Harry James Potter, will you marry me?"

Instantly the pout was gone, and Harry threw his arms around Severus, dropping to the floor and kissing the older wizard forcefully.

"Oh Sev! Like you even need to ask me! Of course I will, I love you so, so much!"

Harry pulled back, and Severus placed the simple ring on the third finger of his left hand, waiting with baited breath as Harry repeated the action on him. Severus smiled as he held the other man in his arms, and then stood up, taking his wrist and leading him down the hall.

"Sev?"

"You've only drank one beer tonight, I'm taking you to bed."

He heard Harry moan with want behind him, but didn't stop, leading the completely un-reluctant man up the stairs and into his bedroom.

"Black silk sheets Mr Potter?"

"They f-feel nice."

Severus spun round and backed Harry against the wall, kissing him forcefully, allowing his hands to wander everywhere as Harry's laced in his hair.

"Unless you wish to be a virgin on your wedding night?"

"No…fuck…now…you…"

Severus sniggered as he continued kissing the brunette, stopping only when he felt Harry's erection pressing into his thigh.

"Aaah that's right. You gave me a present last night, and I've yet to play with it."

Harry cursed softly as Severus dropped down to his knees and undid Harry's belt, button and fly tantalisingly slowly, pulling his black jeans down to the floor. 

"Shirt off."

Harry hastened to undo the buttons on his green shirt and shake it off his shoulders, tossing it across the room as Severus helped him out of his jeans, leaving him stood in only his boxers. Severus leant back on his knees and looked up and down softly.

"Mmm, most satisfactory Harry, you've been working out."

It was an empty statement; Severus knew the young man worked out twice a week, maintaining his lithe, streamlined body. The acres of tan skin held multiple scars, some from the war, some from Harry himself, but Severus knew all this already. Returning to his original task, he pulled Harry's boxers down slowly and tossed them across the room, leaving the Gryffindor naked and trembling with anticipation. For a few minutes Severus just looked at the proud erection jutting out in front of him. It was longer than average, Severus estimated nine inches but would know for sure when it was buried inside him, and thick, with a sensitive-looking head just begging to be licked. So Severus leant forward and swiped his tongue over the dripping slit. He was not mistaken, the response he got told him his assumptions of sensitivity had been right, and Severus set to work.

Harry rested his hands on Severus' shoulders as the older wizard took his head in his mouth, sucking and licking until Harry saw stars in his vision. Moans and mumbles and encouragements spilled past his lips, but he made no move to stop them as Severus carried on taking him deeper and deeper, tracing the thick veins with his tongue before burying his face in Harry's soft curls. Harry watched as Severus slid back, his lips slick and shiny as they stretched around Harry's cock, and then he bobbed back down, sucking hard enough to hollow his cheeks as Harry felt himself tip over the edge, coming hard down Severus' throat, watching as the man swallowed everything Harry gave him, his eyes alight with desire. As he let Harry's limp cock fall from his mouth, Harry slid to the floor and rested his forehead on Severus' shoulders, trying to catch his breath again as his body trembled. A whispered spell, and Harry was pulled tight against Severus' naked body; the other man had removed his clothes and the desperation to look was overwhelming Harry.

"You can look in a minute. I enjoyed my present, thank you."

"No…no problem."

Severus laughed, and stroked his fingers up and down Harry's spine, moving lower and lower to swipe Harry's crack, making the younger wizard gasp and writhe.

"Now, I am going to claim you, bury myself right…" Severus ghosted his finger over Harry's entrance "…here and coat your insides with my seed. Then, when you've recovered, you're going to do the same to me. And maybe, if you're good, I'll let you get out of that gorgeous big bed before the wedding."

Harry swore loudly and bit down hard on Severus' shoulder. Already, his cock was hard again, and he rutted against Severus, relieved to feel a similar hardness as he rubbed. He moved off, standing up shakily and watching as Severus stood up. His pale, wiry body appealed to Harry, and he let his eyes travel down to the taut erection. Sev was a little longer than he himself, but thinner, and with a slight curve. Harry felt his mouth watering, and reached out a tentative hand, wrapping his tan fingers around the pale organ and pulling slowly, stroking his thumb over the slit and the bringing it to his lips, holding lust-darkened obsidian eyes as he licked the salty pre-cum off his digit.

"You wanton little slut, get on that bed right now!"

Harry hastened to obey, lying on his back on the middle of the bed and smiling as Severus straddled him, his lover's erection lay along his stomach, his own rubbing deliciously against Sev's arse. 

"Lubricant?"

"Bottom drawer."

Severus leaned down and opened the bottom draw, finding a half-empty bottle of lubricant and a stack of porn magazines. He flashed Harry a predatory smile as he put the lubricant in easy reach.

"Porn, Mr Potter? Do you lie here, jerking off to dirty magazines?"

"Crying your name while I cum."

Severus growled at Harry's bold reply, and lowered his head, claiming the other wizard's lips as his own.

"I love you Sev."

"Remember that, I want you to scream it for me."

Harry trembled gently, and Severus moved his kisses to the brunette's collar, laving special attention on the hollow of his throat, where he could feel every moan and sex-laced promise vibrate against his lips. Leaning back up, he dragged his nails over dusky pink nipples, watching as they stood out from the hairless chest, begging to be sucked. So he did, leaning down and taking first one, then the other, into his hot and willing mouth, nipping and sucking until Harry's cries of desperation cajoled him into moving further south. He mapped every plane of the brunette's muscular chest, dipping his tongue in and out of the soft navel as Harry writhed and gasped under him. He'd wanted to explore for longer, but he'd been waiting for this moment for almost four years, and needed to be inside the man he loved.

Harry watched in interest as Severus fell still; he could feel the older man's mind working but did not delve. Instead, he caught the slightly pointed chin in his fingers and lifted Severus' head to meet his eyes.

"We don't have to do this, if you don't want to."

Severus flashed him a wicked smile.

"I don’t think your straining cock would be very happy about that!"

"Well, my cock is nowhere near as important as your happiness."

Severus chuckled, and stretched up, rubbing his erection against Harry's as he kissed the other man tenderly.

"I think my happiness and your cock's happiness are related. I think the happier your cock is the happier I am. Now spread your legs for me."

Harry obliged, and Severus moved back down to settle between the powerful thighs. He placed a gentle kiss on the tip of Harry's cock, licking away the precum as he moved his head down, inhaling deeply as his hands spread Harry's buttocks, allowing his tongue to trace over the clenching muscle.

"Aaah gods Sev!"

Severus moved his tongue with a little more force, then pulled it back. As much as he wanted to devour Harry from the inside, he knew neither of them would hold out. Opening the bottle of lube he poured a generous amount onto his fingers and circled one finger around Harry's tight entrance. Only when he felt Harry's body relaxing did he breach the muscle, pushing his finger in as Harry arched and moaned.

Harry had died and gone to heaven. There was no other way to explain the feelings he was experiencing. Recently he'd gotten more adventurous, using his own fingers to explore himself, but it had always been kind of uncomfortable. But this was bliss, and Harry whimpered as a second finger was added to his throbbing entrance. As if reading his mind, Severus purred at him from his position between Harry's legs.

"You're beautiful like this. I bet you'd look so damn perfect finger-fucking yourself for me."

"Please Sev!"

Severus responded with a third finger, and the yelp that exited Harry made the windows shake in their panes. He pushed down on Severus' fingers; taking them in as far as they would go before rocking his hips, fingers clenched in the bed sheets as he rocked and rocked, arching and crying in pleasure. Severus watched as Harry fucked himself on Severus' fingers, before twisting them slightly and brushing the brunette's prostate. With a strangled yell Harry arched up onto his shoulder blades and the balls of his feet, unintentionally giving Severus a perfect view of his body. Severus withdrew his fingers as Harry settled back onto the bed, and was fixed in a disgruntled, emerald glare. Severus chose not to address the unspoken accusation as he moved his slick fingers to encase his cock, stroking himself slowly and spreading the lube and precum over his shaft. 

Content that Harry was fully open, and he was slick enough to meet no resistance, Severus held Harry's hips and lined up the tip of his head with the slick entrance. He teased the younger man briefly, tapping him with his swollen head a few times.

"Sev! Please just…"

Harry was cut off when Severus breached him, and he fell silent, focusing on getting enough air into his lungs as Severus slowly buried himself in Harry's hot, welcoming tightness. When he was flush against Harry he opened his eyes, and found the Gryffindor staring up at him.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

Severus smiled; there was a time when he'd believed he would never have someone whom he could profess love to, but now he had more than he could ever need. He pulled his hips back slightly, and then thrust forward again, watching as pleasure exploded over Harry's face and velvet walls clamped around him. Harry was so tight it was unbelievable, and Severus thrust in and out, each thrust getting harder and more pronounced, hitting Harry's sweet spot and making him scream in ecstasy.

"Fuck, Sev, please don't stop…you're so good I'm going to cum."

"Yes, Harry cum for me!"

Severus was so close to the edge, but he kept thrusting as Harry finally tipped over the edge, decorating both of them with his creamy white seed as tears streamed down his face and he gasped and cried. The clenching of his walls was like a vice on Severus' cock, and he grunted as he buried as deep in Harry as he could, spilling his seed inside the younger wizard and collapsing on his chest. He felt as Harry's hands laced in his hair, stroking softly as their hearts beat in perfect union.

"I love you so much Sev."

Severus raised himself up and met emerald green eyes as he pulled softly out of Harry's slick passage, sparing a smile for the small noise of discontent before moving to the side of Harry and turning him so he could spoon around the slick back.

"I love you too."

He felt as Harry pushed back tighter into his embrace, sighing contentedly and kissing the arm his head was rested against.

"Don't go."

"I won't."

"No, ever. Don't ever go."

"Do I have to spend the rest of my life naked, in bed with you?"

"Yes."

Severus chuckled, and kissed the back of Harry's neck as he stifled a yawn.

"That's fine by me. Did you take your potion this morning?"

"Yes, I wanted to see you."

Severus smiled into Harry's mussy hair, listening as the younger wizard fell asleep in his arms before succumbing to sleep himself, a soft smile on his pale features.

 

 

**Hope you've all enjoyed this; thanks to everyone who read and reviewed this; let me know what you thought of my twist! Much love, SoftlySweetly xXx**


	10. Author's Note

Just a quick one. I don't know how many of you read the reviews and my responses, but I received a review which raised questions I want everyone to hear the answer to. Bookworm51485's review made me look at my story in a way which I had never even though of, and I want to clear it up because I think that what they said was colossaly important, and was something that, knowing the background to the story and my interpretation of the characters, I had not explained because it didn't occur to me. So thanks for taking the time to read this – below is the review and my response.

 

"I understand that Harry's delusional, but I don't understand what he had to be forgiven for. Mental illness is not something that someone can control, it's not like he was lying. He truly believed that all of that was happening. In the end, I actually that Severus was the one who should have been begging forgiveness. He was completely lucid and thinking straight when he decided to blame Harry for his mental issues, declare him a liar, and abandon him despite claiming to love him. I dunno, maybe I'm reading something wrong. I liked your twist, it was interesting but I didn't like the way you went about the ending. I really don't feel that Harry was to blame for the situation. It's like adults and children. Young children are dumb, there's a lot they don't know about what they should and shouldn't be doing. It's up to the adults to lead them. Harry was like a child and the adults (by adults I mean those who knew of his 'issues') around him didn't do what was best for him."

 

It's part of their characters. Severus wouldn't beg, but Harry would see the thing as his fault. I don't think anyone blames him for what happened, and a lot of Severus' anger is aimed at himself for not spotting the signs sooner. I fully understand that mental illness is by no way the fault of the sufferer, and I never for a moment wanted what I wrote to be construed that way. But part of Harry's character in this story is blaming himself for things he couldn't control; which is what leads him down this path to begin with. In my experience, which is by no means conclusive and neither do I claim that it is, there is an element of guilt that if the sufferer had done something differently things would not have gotten that bad. Able to see himself sanely, Harry wishes that he could have done something differently and apologises for this. Severus truly loved Harry, and sometimes being hurt by the one you love can blind you to the reality of the situation. He tried, over the years, saying that he even got as far as the hospital before turning back, but a large part of turning back was the guilt and shame that he felt. I wish that I'd explained that more clearly in the chapter. Harry seeks forgiveness not because he needs it, but because he wants it. For him to be able to move on with his life he needs to apologise for the hurt he caused Severus, however unintentional that was. I hope that this makes it clearer, much love, SoftlySweetly xXx


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